another ask meme no one will send me anything for cause i’m too out of touch with my followers, and i just wanted to answer them all anyway so~
how did you discover witchcraft?
well, it’s fuzzy because divination was always in my family but it was more based in christianity? like communing with angels and praying and drawing the cards in tarot in god’s name i guess. then some really bad stuff happened in my life when i was about 9-10 and my mom and i would always go to this metaphysical shop. i always got crystals there, namely rose quartz, and i saw faeries when i was little so i’d love to go there and see the faerie stuff lol. but they had witch stuff too so when things got bad my mom turned to witchcraft and i got my start there. we abandoned it for a long time after some shit went awry but i picked it back up in 2010? and i’ve felt a lot more whole since then. i don’t practice as much as i used to or would like to but it’s very much a part of me.
how long have you been a witch for?
this is a fuzzy question because i started young, abandoned it, then rekindled it. i would say i’ve been a witch for a solid 8 years, give or take a couple years as a child.
where did you start in your craft?
very small. i feel like i’m starting over again now because i had a few bad spells and took a break for a bit. like my spells worked just not how i wanted them to lmao so i was like hold up wait a minuteksjdf so i’m starting slow again. self-love spells and candle magic, stuff for sleep, nightly rituals with bubble baths, candles, and lavender/chamomile lotion that sort of stuff. i don’t know if i’ll go much bigger than that for a while but yeah.
how has your craft evolved since then?
it’s evolved quite a bit. i used to be anti-curse but i’m open to it now, i just don’t have the energy to actually do it. just don’t fuck with me. other than that i guess i’m just open to more things now? but still wary because i know what i’m capable of and i know life works in weird ways so it’s like well i want THIS to happen but NOT LIKE THAT so i gotta start putting in stipulations i guess lmao. i don’t know, my mindset has evolved.
what is that one thing that happened that convinced you that magic is real?
when i did a glamour about 3 years ago and it fuckin worked like a charm. i was amazed at how confident i felt and how i came off to people, i even like… got some unwanted attention out of it lmao which was a downside but you know, be careful what you witch for. but it worked and i want to do another glamour but i haven’t been able to get the same kind of energy i had when i did it. i was so confident and unafraid when i did it that it really came out in the spell. i remember to seal it i burnt a strand of my hair in the candle and the flame shot up into my hand and didn’t burn me and i was like hoLY SHIT MAGIC IS REAL. best moment.
what is one area you are completely convinced that is real? what are you more skeptic about?
i don’t know? i’m open to anything. like obviously i don’t think people can make themselves float or shapeshift and stuff but then again who the fuck am i to say some people can’t lmao you never know.
what celestial object do you feel most connected to?
celestial object? like planets moons and stars? uh, probably venus. i’m a libra and an aphrodite devotee sooooo. venus.
do you have a favourite crystal? favourite herb?
amethyst and tiger’s eye for sure. and i love lavender and rose petals.
what is your favourite divination method?
tarot for sure, been reading for a long time. i started reading on a handmade deck and i got my own official deck in 2012, i still use it and i still adore it.
are there any less known areas that you practice?
not really? i like to think of what i do as psychological magic but lmao that’s just me being a witch/psychologist trying to incorporate my crafts into each other. like for example i consider shadow work to be psych magic since it’s based on carl jung’s concept of the shadow. interesting shit.
how open are you about your craft?
preeeeeeeettty open. i wear a pentacle necklace everywhere i go, even when i was in college–a very catholic college–i wore it and people were very interested in it! but in a scared way lol
do you know any witches in real life?
i do! a good friend of mine is a witch as well.
any areas you wish you were better at?
i wish i was better at herbal magic. i do mostly candle stuff because i can’t afford a whole mess of herbs and i’m not good at disposing of herbal residue and whatnot but i love it so much. i just wish i had more freedom to do more i guess.
any areas you have always been interested in but never got around to trying?
hmmm sea witchery. i want to live near a beach one day to make that happen. take trips to te beach, collect sand and seawater, some seashells, do some magic, i’m down with that.
any areas you have been interested in and know a lot about but are too scared to try?
not really, i don’t know a whole lot about anything lol i am a little afraid of shadow work though. it’s a tough thing to do.
do you have a familiar?
i’m not sure. i believe my cat kira might be but i’m not even sure how to tell.
do you have a spirit guide?
probably but idk
do you have any spirit companions?
what is your favourite thing about your craft?
it makes me feel more in control about situations i don’t really have control over. when i do a spell i feel like i’m capable of changing the world, although that’s not true, it feels like it. i like the feeling of having confidence and control, although even still i don’t have much confidence in my spellwork yet, i get nervous and afraid at times. but i’m getting there and i feel good when i do magic.
what is some advice that you would give baby witches? or your past self when you were just starting out?
start slow. it might be boring, it might not have a big payoff, and it might not appear that anything has changed. but it’s important to start small because you are working with some heavy shit. you gotta research and know what you’re doing before you delve right into those curses and junk, i believe.
post a picture of your favourite page of your grimoire/book of shadows/witchy journal!
i’m still in the process of converting my basic ass notepad files in a folder bos to a nicer handwritten one sobs
how important are tools in your practice?
ummmmmmm i guess pretty important now that i think about it. i like using tools like candles and such but i know i don’t have to. it’s just easier for me to do more symbolic magic.
do you prefer to buy or make your tools?
buy them cause i suck at making anything lmao
Filed under: mental health
This is an ask meme from Tumblr but I never get asks and I wanted to do this SO I’M DOIN IT HERE
1. Favorite Final Fantasy game?
FFX. It was my first FF so it’s very special to me. It’s one of those rare games I can pay 95949 times in a row and not get tired of, I just love it so much.
2. Least favorite game?
Unpopular Opinion but FFVII lmao. I liked it just not as much as the others I’ve played.
3. Which games have you played?
VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, XII, XIII, XIII-2, XIII LR, XV. So a lot. But I only played VI and XII part way through so I can’t say much about them, I did like them for the most part tho, esp VI.
4. Most underrated game?
FFIX. I don’t feel like it gets the love it deserves, it’s such a fantastic game and it taught me a lot of life lessons growing up.
5. Most overrated game?
FFVII. My own feelings aside, you’ve got to admit the hype for it is a little crazy. It’s a good game but maybe a bit undeserving of all the hype, imo. Part of the reason it underwhelmed me is because I had high expectations going in an got disappointed when they weren’t met. Hype does nothing any good tbh.
6. Favorite protagonist?
Zidane for sure. I felt like he was a breath of fresh air from the broodier types like Cloud and Squall–both of whom I love, I just feel that Zidane was much more cheerful and knowledgeable about life. So his breakdown was that much more powerful, too, because you didn’t expect it from him. That’s why the whole “you’re not alone” scene is so strong.
7. Favorite antagonist?
Hmm, maybe Kuja? Ultimecia is pretty badass too but you don’t really get to know her much lmao that’s why there are so many theories about her. But Kuja is interesting. In the end he was just afraid to die alone, so he was like fuq it ima destroy the whole worLD. Which is very excessive. But it’s interesting. Kuja is very Extra.
8. Favorite side character?
I’m assuming this means a character that isn’t the protag, and barring my favorite characters overall, Ima say probably Lulu. I just love her so MUCH.
9. Favorite NPC?
Oh god idk maybe Blank from FFIX? He did a good and sacrificed himself to save everyone, luckily he was only petrified and could be saved later but man he was a good bro to Zidane.
10. Overall favorite character?
Yuna and Vivi are tied. Yuna is everything I wish I was, and used to be but I grew up and I’m just not like that anymore. I wish I was sometimes, but yeah. I look up to Yuna a lot. And Vivi reminds me so much of my younger self, too, like when I was really little. I feel like I love him in a way that extends to self love, because I want to protect him like I wish I could have protected my younger self.
11. Funniest character?
Zidane is pretty funny. So is Prompto. Um, I don’t know though I think those are my choices, I can’t think of anyone else that I find funny. I like Zidane’s whole goofy persona and Prompto is just a clumsy dumbass and I love it. Also, Rikku is pretty funny in X-2 lol.
12. Best looking male?
13. Best looking female?
Fang. SHE’S SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL. All the FF ladies are gorg but Fang tho.
14. Character you would most like to marry?
15. Character you hate the most?
Seymour. Everything he does is gross.
16. Which game had the best cast of characters?
Probably FFX. I’m biased though but I just fell in love with those characters so easily.
17. Which game was the saddest?
Probably FFX if we don’t take the events of FFX-2 into account–or if you take the sad ending into account. I haven’t played enough of VI or XII to say although I’ve heard VI is pretty sad. But I’ll go with FFX.
18. Which game was the funniest?
I find FFXV to be pretty funny a lot of the time but FFIX was lighthearted in a funny way despite its dark undertones.
19. Which game had the best love story?
FFVIII. I really loved that love story the most, although I know a lot of people would disagree and there are a lot of gripes about it… I loved it anyway.
20. If you could enter the game world and personally replace the main character of any game (playing through the game as yourself– you can change the story or keep it the same), which one would you choose?
FFIX or FFX. I loved those worlds the most.
21. Which game would you sooner die before doing the above ^?
22. Which game’s world would you most like to live in?
FFIX! I love that world so much.
23. Which specific location (e.g. Besaid Island) would you most like to live in?
Black Mage Village in FFIX. Or Dagguerreo however you spell it fuq but mostly BMV.
24. What’s your favorite job/class? Is this the same class you would want to be if you entered a class-based Final Fantasy game, or would you rather be a different one? If so, which one?
Black Mage. Always loved using magic. I’m not familiar with every class in FF since I only played the later games and not the first one or tactics or anything. But I’m p sure I’d still choose Black Mage.
25. What is your favorite ability?
Hmmmm, Protect Girls in FFIX is a pretty cute one. So is Provoke in FFX. I also like No Encounters a lot for when I’m in confusing dungeons :))))))
26. Favorite boss fight?
Leviathan in FFXV is pretty cool. I also like Sinspawn Gui in FFX.
27. Favorite enemy (e.g. Malboro)?
Tonberries are cool, the bastards.
28. Your favorite spell?
29. Favorite summon?
30. Least favorite battle/boss fight?
This is hard lmao there are a lot that I hate but Dark Yojimbo in FFX is a huge bitch. Having to fight him 5 times is so excessive, too.
31. Do you have any theories or headcanons you swear by (e.g. Rinoa as Sorceress)?
Not really although I do like the Rinoa as a sorceress/Ulimecia theory. Makes the game interesting.
32. Are there any fanon theories/headcanons you just can’t believe?
Squall is dead at the end of disc one lol
33. What is your favorite canon couple? (Doesn’t have to be the protagonist’s love story e.g. could be Cid/Shera)
Rinoa/Squall. Tidus/Yuna is another fave.
34. Which canon couple do you think is most likely to break up sometime after the credits roll?
Lol aww I don’t know, but they had Tidus and Yuna break up in that atrocity of an audio drama that I think we all just collectively choose to ignore. But while I don’t like that at all, I think it would make sense for them to have a lot of problems adjusting to couple life and Tidus adjusting back to… well, life in general and such.
35. What is your favorite NON-canon couple?
Hmmm. Tifa/Aerith. Fuq yo canon love triangle, Tifa/Aerith is where it’s AT. Also, I guess Fang/Vanille because they’re never stated to be a couple in canon even though we all know they are lol
36. And your least favorite non-canon couple?
Aurikku. I pretended to ship it for a while because a friend was a hardcore shipper and I was just dumb but it’s really gross lol
37. What do you think makes a game a “quintessential” Final Fantasy game? (In other words… some people say the new games don’t feel like Final Fantasy games to them. What FEELS like a Final Fantasy game, to you?)
All the games up to XII have the FF feel to me. Especially FFIX and FFX. The newer ones (XIII and XV) really don’t tbh, but I still love them.
38. What things did/would bother you when/if they were put in the games (i.e. what things DON’T belong in Final Fantasy games)?
Well, as much as I love FFXV, the mundane realism is kind of unnecessary. I don’t mind having a car and smart phones but it’s mostly the longass car rides you can’t always skip and just the boring running around with no purpose shit I could do without.
39. What is your favorite prequel or sequel?
FFX-2. Bash on it all you want, it was fun and still is fun.
40. Square-Enix hands over the reins to you, to make a prequel or sequel for any game of your choice, even ones that already have those things. What do you make?
FFIX HD remake. I’m jk (kind of) but I’d love a FFX prequel of Auron, Braska, and Jecht’s adventures.
41. Which character has the best outfit?
Lulu. It’s the most impractical lmao but I love it.
42. Worst character design?
Um idk I wasn’t fond of Amarant’s design.
43. What is your favorite weapon?
Ultima Weapon in like any game lmao
44. What cutscene do you wish you could cut out of any of the games?
Um, none really. I do wish I could cut out a lot of the unnecessary driving scenes in FFXV tho like I said lmao. I can’t think of any cut scenes I’d cut out, even really long unskippable ones like the Yunalesca ones in FFX. They’re important so I wouldn’t cut them.
45. What creature do you most wish was real? (Chocobo’s, moogles, etc.)
46. Best soundtrack?
Oh god that’s hard. They all have great OST’s. I think FFVIII is my favorite, though.
47. Favorite overworld song?
FFVI, I love Terra’s theme.
48. Which game had the best opening cutscene?
FFX-2 had the most fun one by far. I think FFVIII had a good one, too.
49. Which game had the best ending?
50. Favorite vocal Final Fantasy song?
Eyes on Me.
51. Favorite non-vocal song?
SO HARD. I have so many. Um. Idk right away I’m gonna say Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec because it pops to mind first
52. Favorite limit break/overdrive/trance/you-get-the-picture mode and/or ability?
Zidane’s trance Dyne abilities, and Rikku’s Mix.
53. Are there any plot-holes or questions you have about any of the games that you wish would be resolved?
I can’t think of any in particular, honestly it’s been so long since I played some games that I can’t remember plot holes. FFXV does have a lot of them, though, being unfinished and all. But honestly, I’m so unobservant and forgetful anymore than I can’t really point any specific ones out lmao but a lot of things are only just making sense with the DLC’s and added scenes and shit.
54. What scene had the most impact on you?
The scene at Home in FFX when Tidus finds out that Yuna will die when she defeats Sin. I still cry.
55. Which game did you play first, and when (how old were you, etc.)?
I played FFX when I was 12 in 2003. I remember loving the idea of FF after playing KH and then back when G4 existed and was good, I saw a Cheat episode dedicated to FFX and was like I NEED THIS GAME so I bought it on ebay and I fell in love instantly.
56. Do you own any merchandise?
I do! I have a Yuna necklace and Squall’s ring. I also have a FFVIII bracelet. Um, let’s see, I have posters and CDs although I found out at one point that they’re mostly bootlegs lmao sobs I think that’s it.
57. What game that has yet to be released are you most looking forward to?
I look forward to FFXVI even though there’s no info at all about it yet lmao I always look forward to new FF games.
58. What do you think of the Final Fantasy fandom in general? Do you think it is a good one? Any complaints?
I think it’s a good one despite ridic ship wars lmao I don’t really take part in it anymore but it was never really BAD to me growing up.
59. Do you have any favorite works of art or fanfiction that you always go back to, and/or basically accept as canon?
No. I never really read fanfic, although I wrote it.
60. If you got the chance to work at Square Enix making Final Fantasy games, at any job, regardless of your skill set (they offer you paid training), what would you most like to work on or do?
Writing. I’d love to help write a FF game.
SO THIS YEAR WAS KIND OF SHIT. But at least there was some good music. Not much, though, I had a hard time putting that playlist together. Not as many jams.
Anyway, I made my serious reflection post so now it’s time for some goal-setting so I can come back and see what I accomplished a year from now. I have a hard time setting goals for myself because I’m really hard on myself for not meeting them all, or even one sometimes, and I want to work on fixing that.
1. Set more goals
Lmao. I need to try to do this so I can be more productive throughout the year. Setting a goal for each month or week or something would be good. Nothing too strenuous, just enough to set things in motion.
2. Write more
I tried writing more in 2017 and did not. I wrote a lot of poetry for my poetry class, some of it was actually good, but I’m talking more journaling and stuff. I want to do more of that this year. I have a special Pokemon journal I bought alst year that I’ve barely used an it’s a CRIME IT IS SUCH A CUTE JOURNAL WITH THE EEVEELUTIONS AND PIKACHU I GOT IT FOR $10 AHHHHHHHHHHSKDFKSDF USE IT MORE LIKE WRITE ONCE A WEEK OR SOMETHING
3. Practice driving
Instead of putting the same goal of GET LICENSE year after year for the past 10 years I’d rather just set a goal to practice now. I have such a phobia of driving that it’s… well, it’s not funny. I just have to work on getting past it. Drive down the street. Drive around the parking lot. Drive around the neighborhood. Etc. I’m educated enough in psychology to know what systematic desensitization is and how to do it to myself, I’ve been doing it for years with my social anxiety, now I gotta do it with driving. Set up some incentives to practice, like if I drive down the street I can go get ice cream or something lmao I’ve got this.
4. Make progress towards getting Ph.D
Awkwardly phrased but eh. Gettign my Ph.D is a longterm goal and I want to at least get closer to it. I applied to two programs this year, so that’s one thing I accomplished in 2017. In 2018 I want to accomplish either getting in to one of those programs or trying again if I don’t get in. Moving is also part of this, as is preparing the house to sell and move. So there’s a lot of subgoals attached to this one but we’ll see how it goes.
5. More therapy
Both physical and mental. I need to start seeing my therapist like every 2-3 weeks if possible. It’s hard not being able to drive and needing a ride out there, especially in winter it’s more difficult, but we’ll see. And physical therapy is super important. I want to build up my muscles and get some strength in this tiny little weak body I have. So we gotta do this. And eat better and more often. Lots of subgoals here, too, but I’ll work that out later.
That’s all I’m gonna do for now. I might edit this post or write out a handwritten list later because that tends to help, to write things down by hand. Makes it more official.
But yeah. 2017 sucked. But let’s see what did I do this year. I graduated college. I went blonde again. I applied to grad schools, took the GRE… I gave a big presentation right after a bad panic attack. I saW STEVIE NICKS LIVE I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALMOST LIKE A DREAM I SAW MY GODDESS LIVE WITH MY OWN EYEBALLS. And idk I just, I survived the year lmao I can’t think of too much. It was a fast year and I accomplished big things even if there were only a handful of them. It was a rough year, but here I am ready for another one.
So I don’t know, I might make another more legit goal post but for now this will do.
Filed under: new year reflections
SO I HAVE A NEW LAYOUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A YEAR. It’s been a while. I’m out of practice so this layout isn’t that great but I like it all the same. Forgive me if it looks like shit on your computer, though, because my laptop resolution is weird and Photoshop makes everything look smaller so I don’t know what the hell. But here we are.
I’ll blog again for New Year’s, as I always do. Until then~
Filed under: updates
I read some old blog entries and got smacked in the face with nostalgia and just… a lot of feelings. There are things I miss about 9-10 years ago, and there are things that I don’t miss. But I do miss being more carefree and happy and finding happiness in things and not being so lonely all the time and relying on social media to relieve that loneliness. I mean, I was lonely, but I was okay with solitude. Now it just scares me.
I can see now that I had hypomanic episodes even back then, though, but I didn’t think much of it. So it’s weird to think that maybe I could’ve gotten help back then if I had paid attention, but nothing was bad enough that it was a detriment to my daily functioning like it is now so. I mean, my depression was bad but I was able to control it whereas now it’s very hard. College and everything I’ve been through in the past four and a half year just lent itself to worsening my mental health, whereas back then I had my problems but I was more… I don’t know. More resilient, somehow. There are things I didn’t talk about and things I kept hidden, I know, but I tried so hard to be happy. SHINee made me so happy and got me through a lot of tough times and that’s why the loss of Jonghyun hits so hard.
But aside from that, I learned that I really… need to take responsibility for my own happiness and well-being. I can’t keep giving people more than I get from them. I can’t keep pining for people who don’t pine for me. I can’t keep hurting myself for not being where I wanted to be by this age. I just can’t keep doing this. I have to move on from some things and leave them in the past where they belong. I can’t keep dragging that baggage with me everywhere I go. Some things have just changed and there’s no going back to how things were. That’s just how it is. I can either dwell on those losses or I can accept it and hold out hope for a better future. Things look bleak right now, I’m very pessimistic about the future, but I’m capable of overcoming that and holding onto hope. I just have to learn how to do that again.
I really miss how things were before so many things changed. But I just can’t keep wading in that dark water. I have my regrets and I have things that I’m proud of. Just like everyone else. There’s no use in lamenting what’s lost, because some things there is just no getting back. And I have to learn how to be okay with that. There is still hope for some things but it just… some things are worth holding out hope for, while others just keep me in an unhealthy cycle clinging to false hope. And I can’t do that, either. I have to accept what’s lost and what’s different and cherish what I still have while cherishing the past in a way that doesn’t leave me dwelling on what went wrong. I know what went wrong in a lot of cases, and there’s no fixing it. There are things I can’t talk about, things I can’t discuss with other parties involved, and that’s a sure sign that something is flawed in those relationships and that they’re probably not worth trying to salvage beyond their current state. So I have to resign to that and let it go. I’m just hurting myself by clinging to the sharp fragments of memories that are long gone now.
I just really need to move on and I hope that in 2018, I can do that. That’s my goal. Move on from some things. Hold out hope and don’t give up on my dreams. I’ve been very pessimistic about getting into grad school and I’m honestly just tempting fate here. If I don’t start having a positive outlook then I might just tempt the universe into being like welp maybe you don’t want it bad enough. Maybe you aren’t going to try hard enough. I my not get into my dream school, I may not get into my last resort choice, I don’t know. But I can always try again. I can take the GRE again and devote my time to figuring out all that tough math, read more, try harder. Keep applying until I get in. I just can’t give up on my dream, like there’s a lot that I’m not good at, there are a lot of ways that I’m inadequate, but I have the heart and the soul and the drive to keep going and realize my dream. Even if I don’t get my Ph.D, I can still go into clinical mental health counseling. I can still be a therapist even if the Ph.D dream doesn’t come true. But by damn, I will try my hardest to make it come true.
And that’s all I got. I’m just very thoughtful. Holidays do that to me, this weird space between Christmas and New Year’s always does this to me. But it’s important. I just have to start putting things more into practice than into words.
I’m still pretty shaken up about Jonghyun. I just can’t wrap my head around what happened. It got me thinking about other things, other losses, and how weird it’s been the past couple of years.
The passage of time has really shaken me up, too. Thinking about SHINee and how it’s been nearly 10 years since they debuted and I remember that time. I remember being a huge SHINee fan around that time and just. I never would’ve guessed that it’d have ended up this way. It’s just so heartbreaking and tragic. And I just wish I could go back to that time, not just for the obvious reasons but just because I miss when I was younger and more optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ve wasted the past 10 years. I feel like I’m behind. I feel emotionally incapable to be 27 years old. It’s so hard to accept how some things have changed while others haven’t. Things that I wanted to change just didn’t, while everything else is changing in ways I don’t like and I’m not ready for any of it. I’m just… not.
I just feel a lot of things. I’ve been getting angry lately over little things. Mostly just… frustration at feeling alone and invisible. I get angry at the people I love for not being there when I need them, even though I do nothing to reach out and ask for help and say, “hey, I’m feeling low right now, can we talk for a bit” or something. So then I just get angry at myself for lashing out and for not doing anything about it, for not taking care of myself, for needing other people, for just… not doing what I should do. I need to work on taking care of myself, and reaching out and asking for help when I need it but knowing that I won’t always get it right when I want it, or at all, even. I try to be there for everyone when they need someone but I’m not there for myself. That needs to change.
Graduating college has left me empty, too. I’m okay right now but in a month it’s going to hit me that I’m not going back. I still feel like I’m going back in a few weeks. It hasn’t hit me yet that it’s over. And while I’m happy, I don’t feel like I’m ready to be done. I am but I’m not. I’m leaving behind a lot of memories and a huge chunk of my life. And if I get rejected to grad school, I mean I’ll take the GRE again and try again but it will get me down, I’m not going to lie. It’s a big loss and I’m trying really hard to accept it now before it hits me later but it’s hard to do. I keep trying to tell myself that hard doesn’t mean impossible, but it’s still what it is.
I don’t know. I’m just trying to accept a lot of changes and I feel like my brain needs rewired, or maybe my soul, I don’t know. I feel like some change has to take place internally. Externally, everything is backwards. Like I said before, things that I don’t want to change are changing while things that I wish would change remain the same. I don’t know how to deal with that. I’m working on finding a way to. I’m working on finding ways to stop feeling so damn down about myself, to overcome those body image issues, to love myself, something… I just don’t know how to find those ways. I only have three emotions at this point, love, anger, and sadness. Also fear. So four. Four emotions that I feel intensely and I feel like I’m always wrong for feeling them. I feel like it’s my fault that I’m mentally ill. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I do. I’m trying to work on overcoming that.
I’m trying. I just fail most times. 2017 has been a year of learning what my inadequacies truly are and trying to find some semblance of hope that maybe I’m good enough in some way. I’m still looking for that hope. I don’t want to put pressure on 2018 to be a better year, and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to have myself all figured out a year from now, because I know it’s not likely to happen. But I do want to go into the new year with some kind of hopefulness that maybe things CAN get better. Not an expectation that they will, but hope that they can.