girl

Brittany. 27. Libra. INxP. Bisexual. Psychology Student. Eclectic Pagan. Hellenic Polytheism. Researcher. Mermaids. Cats. Donuts. Kingdom Hearts. Final Fantasy. Cooking. Neuroscience. The Nightmare Before Christmas. Tea. Kpop. Tim Burton. Fleetwood Mac. Nail polish. Plaid. Eyeliner. Boots. Space. Charmed. Symphonic Metal. Crystals. Tarot. Sea Witchery. Within Temptation. Jun Hyosung. Writing. Merlin. Anthropology. AOA. Tsuritama. SHINee. Edgar Allan Poe. Girl's Day. Star Wars. Puppies. Utada Hikaru. Classic Hollywood. The Originals. Once Upon a Time. Seashells. Singing. Pokemon. Rain. AC/DC. Dangan Ronpa. Astronomy. Candles.

content

Joined Fanlistings
Tumblr
Twitter
Instagram
Last.fm
Blog

layout

Name: Symptoms
Features: FFXV's Lunafreya and Noctis
Tools: Adobe Photoshop CS3, Notepad
Fonts: Idk one is called shorelines, century gothic is another, some small font...
Lyrics: SHINee - Symptoms
Comments: This took hours of work, mostly of me sitting there staring at Photoshop not knowing what I was doing, but eventually this happened. I was inspired by the song to make a layout with the lyrics, because I love them, and I also wanted to honor Kim Jonghyun's memory by using his lyrics. I chose Luna and Noct because, well, all I care about lately is FFXV sooooooo it made sense. This layout also came out bigger than expected, it looked a lot smaller in Photoshop and then I coded it and AHAHAHA but there's not much I can do about that, so sorry if it looks weird on your computer. I honestly tried. In general, though, I really like this layout. Not my best but there's a lot of feeling there. It was cathartic to make this layout.

dead end

Hidama.net, its layouts, content, coding, and etc. is the personal property of Brittany © 2012-2018 with credited usage of images, lyrics, and etc. unless otherwise stated. Please note that password-protected entries are password-protected for a reason and the password is available to close friends only and that won't be changing anytime soon.

Protected: cause if i am unloved i have unloved too
Saturday 13 January 2018 @ 8:13 pm

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

♥ Brittany

Filed under: mental health

Final Fantasy Meme
Saturday 6 January 2018 @ 11:05 am

This is an ask meme from Tumblr but I never get asks and I wanted to do this SO I’M DOIN IT HERE

1. Favorite Final Fantasy game?
FFX. It was my first FF so it’s very special to me. It’s one of those rare games I can pay 95949 times in a row and not get tired of, I just love it so much.

2. Least favorite game?
Unpopular Opinion but FFVII lmao. I liked it just not as much as the others I’ve played.

3. Which games have you played?
VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, XII, XIII, XIII-2, XIII LR, XV. So a lot. But I only played VI and XII part way through so I can’t say much about them, I did like them for the most part tho, esp VI.

4. Most underrated game?
FFIX. I don’t feel like it gets the love it deserves, it’s such a fantastic game and it taught me a lot of life lessons growing up.

5. Most overrated game?
FFVII. My own feelings aside, you’ve got to admit the hype for it is a little crazy. It’s a good game but maybe a bit undeserving of all the hype, imo. Part of the reason it underwhelmed me is because I had high expectations going in an got disappointed when they weren’t met. Hype does nothing any good tbh.

6. Favorite protagonist?
Zidane for sure. I felt like he was a breath of fresh air from the broodier types like Cloud and Squall–both of whom I love, I just feel that Zidane was much more cheerful and knowledgeable about life. So his breakdown was that much more powerful, too, because you didn’t expect it from him. That’s why the whole “you’re not alone” scene is so strong.

7. Favorite antagonist?
Hmm, maybe Kuja? Ultimecia is pretty badass too but you don’t really get to know her much lmao that’s why there are so many theories about her. But Kuja is interesting. In the end he was just afraid to die alone, so he was like fuq it ima destroy the whole worLD. Which is very excessive. But it’s interesting. Kuja is very Extra.

8. Favorite side character?
I’m assuming this means a character that isn’t the protag, and barring my favorite characters overall, Ima say probably Lulu. I just love her so MUCH.

9. Favorite NPC?
Oh god idk maybe Blank from FFIX? He did a good and sacrificed himself to save everyone, luckily he was only petrified and could be saved later but man he was a good bro to Zidane.

10. Overall favorite character?
Yuna and Vivi are tied. Yuna is everything I wish I was, and used to be but I grew up and I’m just not like that anymore. I wish I was sometimes, but yeah. I look up to Yuna a lot. And Vivi reminds me so much of my younger self, too, like when I was really little. I feel like I love him in a way that extends to self love, because I want to protect him like I wish I could have protected my younger self.

11. Funniest character?
Zidane is pretty funny. So is Prompto. Um, I don’t know though I think those are my choices, I can’t think of anyone else that I find funny. I like Zidane’s whole goofy persona and Prompto is just a clumsy dumbass and I love it. Also, Rikku is pretty funny in X-2 lol.

12. Best looking male?
Ignis Scientia.

13. Best looking female?
Fang. SHE’S SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL. All the FF ladies are gorg but Fang tho.

14. Character you would most like to marry?
IGNIS SCIENTIA.

15. Character you hate the most?
Seymour. Everything he does is gross.

16. Which game had the best cast of characters?
Probably FFX. I’m biased though but I just fell in love with those characters so easily.

17. Which game was the saddest?
Probably FFX if we don’t take the events of FFX-2 into account–or if you take the sad ending into account. I haven’t played enough of VI or XII to say although I’ve heard VI is pretty sad. But I’ll go with FFX.

18. Which game was the funniest?
I find FFXV to be pretty funny a lot of the time but FFIX was lighthearted in a funny way despite its dark undertones.

19. Which game had the best love story?
FFVIII. I really loved that love story the most, although I know a lot of people would disagree and there are a lot of gripes about it… I loved it anyway.

20. If you could enter the game world and personally replace the main character of any game (playing through the game as yourself– you can change the story or keep it the same), which one would you choose?
FFIX or FFX. I loved those worlds the most.

21. Which game would you sooner die before doing the above ^?
FFVII lmao

22. Which game’s world would you most like to live in?
FFIX! I love that world so much.

23. Which specific location (e.g. Besaid Island) would you most like to live in?
Black Mage Village in FFIX. Or Dagguerreo however you spell it fuq but mostly BMV.

24. What’s your favorite job/class? Is this the same class you would want to be if you entered a class-based Final Fantasy game, or would you rather be a different one? If so, which one?
Black Mage. Always loved using magic. I’m not familiar with every class in FF since I only played the later games and not the first one or tactics or anything. But I’m p sure I’d still choose Black Mage.

25. What is your favorite ability?
Hmmmm, Protect Girls in FFIX is a pretty cute one. So is Provoke in FFX. I also like No Encounters a lot for when I’m in confusing dungeons :))))))

26. Favorite boss fight?
Leviathan in FFXV is pretty cool. I also like Sinspawn Gui in FFX.

27. Favorite enemy (e.g. Malboro)?
Tonberries are cool, the bastards.

28. Your favorite spell?
Ultima!

29. Favorite summon?
Shiva.

30. Least favorite battle/boss fight?
This is hard lmao there are a lot that I hate but Dark Yojimbo in FFX is a huge bitch. Having to fight him 5 times is so excessive, too.

31. Do you have any theories or headcanons you swear by (e.g. Rinoa as Sorceress)?
Not really although I do like the Rinoa as a sorceress/Ulimecia theory. Makes the game interesting.

32. Are there any fanon theories/headcanons you just can’t believe?
Squall is dead at the end of disc one lol

33. What is your favorite canon couple? (Doesn’t have to be the protagonist’s love story e.g. could be Cid/Shera)
Rinoa/Squall. Tidus/Yuna is another fave.

34. Which canon couple do you think is most likely to break up sometime after the credits roll?
Lol aww I don’t know, but they had Tidus and Yuna break up in that atrocity of an audio drama that I think we all just collectively choose to ignore. But while I don’t like that at all, I think it would make sense for them to have a lot of problems adjusting to couple life and Tidus adjusting back to… well, life in general and such.

35. What is your favorite NON-canon couple?
Hmmm. Tifa/Aerith. Fuq yo canon love triangle, Tifa/Aerith is where it’s AT. Also, I guess Fang/Vanille because they’re never stated to be a couple in canon even though we all know they are lol

36. And your least favorite non-canon couple?
Aurikku. I pretended to ship it for a while because a friend was a hardcore shipper and I was just dumb but it’s really gross lol

37. What do you think makes a game a “quintessential” Final Fantasy game? (In other words… some people say the new games don’t feel like Final Fantasy games to them. What FEELS like a Final Fantasy game, to you?)
All the games up to XII have the FF feel to me. Especially FFIX and FFX. The newer ones (XIII and XV) really don’t tbh, but I still love them.

38. What things did/would bother you when/if they were put in the games (i.e. what things DON’T belong in Final Fantasy games)?
Well, as much as I love FFXV, the mundane realism is kind of unnecessary. I don’t mind having a car and smart phones but it’s mostly the longass car rides you can’t always skip and just the boring running around with no purpose shit I could do without.

39. What is your favorite prequel or sequel?
FFX-2. Bash on it all you want, it was fun and still is fun.

40. Square-Enix hands over the reins to you, to make a prequel or sequel for any game of your choice, even ones that already have those things. What do you make?
FFIX HD remake. I’m jk (kind of) but I’d love a FFX prequel of Auron, Braska, and Jecht’s adventures.

41. Which character has the best outfit?
Lulu. It’s the most impractical lmao but I love it.

42. Worst character design?
Um idk I wasn’t fond of Amarant’s design.

43. What is your favorite weapon?
Ultima Weapon in like any game lmao

44. What cutscene do you wish you could cut out of any of the games?
Um, none really. I do wish I could cut out a lot of the unnecessary driving scenes in FFXV tho like I said lmao. I can’t think of any cut scenes I’d cut out, even really long unskippable ones like the Yunalesca ones in FFX. They’re important so I wouldn’t cut them.

45. What creature do you most wish was real? (Chocobo’s, moogles, etc.)
Moogles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

46. Best soundtrack?
Oh god that’s hard. They all have great OST’s. I think FFVIII is my favorite, though.

47. Favorite overworld song?

FFVI, I love Terra’s theme.

48. Which game had the best opening cutscene?
FFX-2 had the most fun one by far. I think FFVIII had a good one, too.

49. Which game had the best ending?
FFIX probably.

50. Favorite vocal Final Fantasy song?

Eyes on Me.

51. Favorite non-vocal song?
SO HARD. I have so many. Um. Idk right away I’m gonna say Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec because it pops to mind first

52. Favorite limit break/overdrive/trance/you-get-the-picture mode and/or ability?
Zidane’s trance Dyne abilities, and Rikku’s Mix.

53. Are there any plot-holes or questions you have about any of the games that you wish would be resolved?
I can’t think of any in particular, honestly it’s been so long since I played some games that I can’t remember plot holes. FFXV does have a lot of them, though, being unfinished and all. But honestly, I’m so unobservant and forgetful anymore than I can’t really point any specific ones out lmao but a lot of things are only just making sense with the DLC’s and added scenes and shit.

54. What scene had the most impact on you?
The scene at Home in FFX when Tidus finds out that Yuna will die when she defeats Sin. I still cry.

55. Which game did you play first, and when (how old were you, etc.)?
I played FFX when I was 12 in 2003. I remember loving the idea of FF after playing KH and then back when G4 existed and was good, I saw a Cheat episode dedicated to FFX and was like I NEED THIS GAME so I bought it on ebay and I fell in love instantly.

56. Do you own any merchandise?
I do! I have a Yuna necklace and Squall’s ring. I also have a FFVIII bracelet. Um, let’s see, I have posters and CDs although I found out at one point that they’re mostly bootlegs lmao sobs I think that’s it.

57. What game that has yet to be released are you most looking forward to?
I look forward to FFXVI even though there’s no info at all about it yet lmao I always look forward to new FF games.

58. What do you think of the Final Fantasy fandom in general? Do you think it is a good one? Any complaints?
I think it’s a good one despite ridic ship wars lmao I don’t really take part in it anymore but it was never really BAD to me growing up.

59. Do you have any favorite works of art or fanfiction that you always go back to, and/or basically accept as canon?
No. I never really read fanfic, although I wrote it.

60. If you got the chance to work at Square Enix making Final Fantasy games, at any job, regardless of your skill set (they offer you paid training), what would you most like to work on or do?
Writing. I’d love to help write a FF game.

♥ Brittany

Filed under: memes, video games

Protected: Decisions
Saturday 6 January 2018 @ 7:18 am

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

♥ Brittany

Filed under: goals, mental health, vent

I AM DA SHEEP
Monday 1 January 2018 @ 3:34 am

SO THIS YEAR WAS KIND OF SHIT. But at least there was some good music. Not much, though, I had a hard time putting that playlist together. Not as many jams.

Anyway, I made my serious reflection post so now it’s time for some goal-setting so I can come back and see what I accomplished a year from now. I have a hard time setting goals for myself because I’m really hard on myself for not meeting them all, or even one sometimes, and I want to work on fixing that.

So.

1. Set more goals
Lmao. I need to try to do this so I can be more productive throughout the year. Setting a goal for each month or week or something would be good. Nothing too strenuous, just enough to set things in motion.

2. Write more
I tried writing more in 2017 and did not. I wrote a lot of poetry for my poetry class, some of it was actually good, but I’m talking more journaling and stuff. I want to do more of that this year. I have a special Pokemon journal I bought alst year that I’ve barely used an it’s a CRIME IT IS SUCH A CUTE JOURNAL WITH THE EEVEELUTIONS AND PIKACHU I GOT IT FOR $10 AHHHHHHHHHHSKDFKSDF USE IT MORE LIKE WRITE ONCE A WEEK OR SOMETHING

3. Practice driving
Instead of putting the same goal of GET LICENSE year after year for the past 10 years I’d rather just set a goal to practice now. I have such a phobia of driving that it’s… well, it’s not funny. I just have to work on getting past it. Drive down the street. Drive around the parking lot. Drive around the neighborhood. Etc. I’m educated enough in psychology to know what systematic desensitization is and how to do it to myself, I’ve been doing it for years with my social anxiety, now I gotta do it with driving. Set up some incentives to practice, like if I drive down the street I can go get ice cream or something lmao I’ve got this.

4. Make progress towards getting Ph.D
Awkwardly phrased but eh. Gettign my Ph.D is a longterm goal and I want to at least get closer to it. I applied to two programs this year, so that’s one thing I accomplished in 2017. In 2018 I want to accomplish either getting in to one of those programs or trying again if I don’t get in. Moving is also part of this, as is preparing the house to sell and move. So there’s a lot of subgoals attached to this one but we’ll see how it goes.

5. More therapy
Both physical and mental. I need to start seeing my therapist like every 2-3 weeks if possible. It’s hard not being able to drive and needing a ride out there, especially in winter it’s more difficult, but we’ll see. And physical therapy is super important. I want to build up my muscles and get some strength in this tiny little weak body I have. So we gotta do this. And eat better and more often. Lots of subgoals here, too, but I’ll work that out later.

That’s all I’m gonna do for now. I might edit this post or write out a handwritten list later because that tends to help, to write things down by hand. Makes it more official.

But yeah. 2017 sucked. But let’s see what did I do this year. I graduated college. I went blonde again. I applied to grad schools, took the GRE… I gave a big presentation right after a bad panic attack. I saW STEVIE NICKS LIVE I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALMOST LIKE A DREAM I SAW MY GODDESS LIVE WITH MY OWN EYEBALLS. And idk I just, I survived the year lmao I can’t think of too much. It was a fast year and I accomplished big things even if there were only a handful of them. It was a rough year, but here I am ready for another one.

So I don’t know, I might make another more legit goal post but for now this will do.

♥ Brittany

Filed under: goals, mental health, new year reflections

Protected: 2017 Reflection Time
Sunday 31 December 2017 @ 9:15 pm

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

♥ Brittany

Filed under: new year reflections

NEW LAYOUT TIME
Friday 29 December 2017 @ 12:01 pm

SO I HAVE A NEW LAYOUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A YEAR. It’s been a while. I’m out of practice so this layout isn’t that great but I like it all the same. Forgive me if it looks like shit on your computer, though, because my laptop resolution is weird and Photoshop makes everything look smaller so I don’t know what the hell. But here we are.

I’ll blog again for New Year’s, as I always do. Until then~

♥ Brittany

Filed under: updates

Some thoughts
Tuesday 26 December 2017 @ 10:52 pm

I read some old blog entries and got smacked in the face with nostalgia and just… a lot of feelings. There are things I miss about 9-10 years ago, and there are things that I don’t miss. But I do miss being more carefree and happy and finding happiness in things and not being so lonely all the time and relying on social media to relieve that loneliness. I mean, I was lonely, but I was okay with solitude. Now it just scares me.

I can see now that I had hypomanic episodes even back then, though, but I didn’t think much of it. So it’s weird to think that maybe I could’ve gotten help back then if I had paid attention, but nothing was bad enough that it was a detriment to my daily functioning like it is now so. I mean, my depression was bad but I was able to control it whereas now it’s very hard. College and everything I’ve been through in the past four and a half year just lent itself to worsening my mental health, whereas back then I had my problems but I was more… I don’t know. More resilient, somehow. There are things I didn’t talk about and things I kept hidden, I know, but I tried so hard to be happy. SHINee made me so happy and got me through a lot of tough times and that’s why the loss of Jonghyun hits so hard.

But aside from that, I learned that I really… need to take responsibility for my own happiness and well-being. I can’t keep giving people more than I get from them. I can’t keep pining for people who don’t pine for me. I can’t keep hurting myself for not being where I wanted to be by this age. I just can’t keep doing this. I have to move on from some things and leave them in the past where they belong. I can’t keep dragging that baggage with me everywhere I go. Some things have just changed and there’s no going back to how things were. That’s just how it is. I can either dwell on those losses or I can accept it and hold out hope for a better future. Things look bleak right now, I’m very pessimistic about the future, but I’m capable of overcoming that and holding onto hope. I just have to learn how to do that again.

I really miss how things were before so many things changed. But I just can’t keep wading in that dark water. I have my regrets and I have things that I’m proud of. Just like everyone else. There’s no use in lamenting what’s lost, because some things there is just no getting back. And I have to learn how to be okay with that. There is still hope for some things but it just… some things are worth holding out hope for, while others just keep me in an unhealthy cycle clinging to false hope. And I can’t do that, either. I have to accept what’s lost and what’s different and cherish what I still have while cherishing the past in a way that doesn’t leave me dwelling on what went wrong. I know what went wrong in a lot of cases, and there’s no fixing it. There are things I can’t talk about, things I can’t discuss with other parties involved, and that’s a sure sign that something is flawed in those relationships and that they’re probably not worth trying to salvage beyond their current state. So I have to resign to that and let it go. I’m just hurting myself by clinging to the sharp fragments of memories that are long gone now.

I just really need to move on and I hope that in 2018, I can do that. That’s my goal. Move on from some things. Hold out hope and don’t give up on my dreams. I’ve been very pessimistic about getting into grad school and I’m honestly just tempting fate here. If I don’t start having a positive outlook then I might just tempt the universe into being like welp maybe you don’t want it bad enough. Maybe you aren’t going to try hard enough. I my not get into my dream school, I may not get into my last resort choice, I don’t know. But I can always try again. I can take the GRE again and devote my time to figuring out all that tough math, read more, try harder. Keep applying until I get in. I just can’t give up on my dream, like there’s a lot that I’m not good at, there are a lot of ways that I’m inadequate, but I have the heart and the soul and the drive to keep going and realize my dream. Even if I don’t get my Ph.D, I can still go into clinical mental health counseling. I can still be a therapist even if the Ph.D dream doesn’t come true. But by damn, I will try my hardest to make it come true.

And that’s all I got. I’m just very thoughtful. Holidays do that to me, this weird space between Christmas and New Year’s always does this to me. But it’s important. I just have to start putting things more into practice than into words.

♥ Brittany

Filed under: mental health, notes to self, self love, vent

Saturday 23 December 2017 @ 8:42 am

I’m still pretty shaken up about Jonghyun. I just can’t wrap my head around what happened. It got me thinking about other things, other losses, and how weird it’s been the past couple of years.

The passage of time has really shaken me up, too. Thinking about SHINee and how it’s been nearly 10 years since they debuted and I remember that time. I remember being a huge SHINee fan around that time and just. I never would’ve guessed that it’d have ended up this way. It’s just so heartbreaking and tragic. And I just wish I could go back to that time, not just for the obvious reasons but just because I miss when I was younger and more optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ve wasted the past 10 years. I feel like I’m behind. I feel emotionally incapable to be 27 years old. It’s so hard to accept how some things have changed while others haven’t. Things that I wanted to change just didn’t, while everything else is changing in ways I don’t like and I’m not ready for any of it. I’m just… not.

I just feel a lot of things. I’ve been getting angry lately over little things. Mostly just… frustration at feeling alone and invisible. I get angry at the people I love for not being there when I need them, even though I do nothing to reach out and ask for help and say, “hey, I’m feeling low right now, can we talk for a bit” or something. So then I just get angry at myself for lashing out and for not doing anything about it, for not taking care of myself, for needing other people, for just… not doing what I should do. I need to work on taking care of myself, and reaching out and asking for help when I need it but knowing that I won’t always get it right when I want it, or at all, even. I try to be there for everyone when they need someone but I’m not there for myself. That needs to change.

Graduating college has left me empty, too. I’m okay right now but in a month it’s going to hit me that I’m not going back. I still feel like I’m going back in a few weeks. It hasn’t hit me yet that it’s over. And while I’m happy, I don’t feel like I’m ready to be done. I am but I’m not. I’m leaving behind a lot of memories and a huge chunk of my life. And if I get rejected to grad school, I mean I’ll take the GRE again and try again but it will get me down, I’m not going to lie. It’s a big loss and I’m trying really hard to accept it now before it hits me later but it’s hard to do. I keep trying to tell myself that hard doesn’t mean impossible, but it’s still what it is.

I don’t know. I’m just trying to accept a lot of changes and I feel like my brain needs rewired, or maybe my soul, I don’t know. I feel like some change has to take place internally. Externally, everything is backwards. Like I said before, things that I don’t want to change are changing while things that I wish would change remain the same. I don’t know how to deal with that. I’m working on finding a way to. I’m working on finding ways to stop feeling so damn down about myself, to overcome those body image issues, to love myself, something… I just don’t know how to find those ways. I only have three emotions at this point, love, anger, and sadness. Also fear. So four. Four emotions that I feel intensely and I feel like I’m always wrong for feeling them. I feel like it’s my fault that I’m mentally ill. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I do. I’m trying to work on overcoming that.

I’m trying. I just fail most times. 2017 has been a year of learning what my inadequacies truly are and trying to find some semblance of hope that maybe I’m good enough in some way. I’m still looking for that hope. I don’t want to put pressure on 2018 to be a better year, and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to have myself all figured out a year from now, because I know it’s not likely to happen. But I do want to go into the new year with some kind of hopefulness that maybe things CAN get better. Not an expectation that they will, but hope that they can.

♥ Brittany

Filed under: mental health, school, self love, vent

About Jonghyun
Wednesday 20 December 2017 @ 9:50 am

The news about SHINee’s Jonghyun broke my heart. I’m still in shock. He was a light in this world, a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and I believe that he is still all of those things despite the fact that he’s no longer walking this earth.

Reading his suicide letter really… really broke me. I found myself relating to it too much. I will never say that I know how someone feels, because no one truly knows how anyone else feels. If I’ve truly learned anything in my undergraduate studies in psychology, it’s that. No one can ever know what another person’s subjective experiences are, not 100%. So no, I can’t say that I know what he felt. But I can understand because I’ve been in a similar dark place. I don’t know what’s stopped me from losing myself in that dark place, but I wish something would have stopped him. I wish so much that he were still living and that he could’ve gotten help to relieve some of his pain. But life doesn’t work the way it should. And it’s not fair.

SHINee was there for me in some dark times in my life. Through my last year of high school, especially, and all of the shit that came with having the family that I have. That’s why this hits so close to home. I never knew Jonghyun, I didn’t even follow the group that closely, but that’s beside the point. Maybe it is just pop music, maybe he was just an idol, but he was a human being first and foremost. What he was to me is irrelevant. He was a human being who just wanted to bring happiness to people’s hearts and he did that with his music and his bright personality. All the while he was hurting deep down inside and no one knew, because he hid it so well. And it’s just such a shame that such a beautiful person was taken from this world so soon, and by his own pain.

Depression is a deadly disease. People don’t take it seriously enough. It can be fatal. And in this case, it was.

It’s just so hard to process. It’s so hard to understand and wrap my head around. What could anyone have done to stop this? Why can’t we just put his soul back into his body and see him smile again? Because he’s never going to smile again, or sing, or write another beautiful song. It’s so heartbreaking to think about. All anyone can do is continue to keep his memory alive and honor him in whatever ways they can.

I don’t know what else to say because it truly hurts to have to say anything, to acknowledge that this is real.

But I will just say that, Jonghyun, you are loved, and I hope that your soul has found peace and that you can see how loved you are from wherever your soul is now. I hope that now you can rest easy without pain.

With that said, here is my favorite SHINee performance. I’ve been watching it constantly, because it brings me some comfort in this awful, awful time.

♥ Brittany

Filed under: letters, mental health

Final Fantasy XV shit
Friday 15 December 2017 @ 11:35 pm

So Final Fantasy XV, right, I have a lot of feelings I gotta let out, man.

Completely unrelated to the recovery this blog is supposed to document but lmao when have I ever stuck with that.

Anyway. FFXV.

I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS.

Like. I didn’t think I’d like it at all? I thought it would disappoint me because I’ve been here since Versus XIII was announced all those years ago. I’ve seen this game evolve and change over time and I felt less and less about it as more stuff came out.

But playing it for myself without everyone else’s opinions getting in the way, I grew to love it a lot. Like wow, who knew that actually PLAYING THE GAME would ALLOW ME TO FORM MY OWN OPINION amirite. lmao.

But no really, this game means a lot to me now. I say shit like PROMPTO IS MY SON but I really mean that he resonates with me because I see a lot of myself in Prompto, and in a lot of ways his character is how I wish I could be despite all of my sadness and feelings of inadequacy. I didn’t expect any character in this game to resonate with me to that extent but here we are. Precious Prompto, my sunshine child.

idk idk the ending made me feel a lot of things and then there’s Luna and Noctis and all of them and ahhhhh feelings ;;

FEELINGS

Then of course Episode Ignis just came out and that made me feel SO MUCH. Episode Prompto did, too, but in a different way. Prompto’s ep was very much about Prompto which I appreciate, you get to know more about him and his backstory and you learn about him WITH him and I love that so much. Episode Ignis is more related to the plot, as is fitting because of who Ignis is, and as such it has this emotional impact to it that’s very different. There are 3 endings and all of them have their own pain attached to them, if that makes sense.

I prefer the general ending, wherein Ignis loses his sight and the course of events takes place in line with the main game and go toward that ending, and how it shows Noctis thanking Ignis for being there with him and for his sacrifices. I appreciated that a lot more than the happy alternate ending where EVERYBODY (except Luna) LIVES because there’s more emotional weight to it. Like it made me cry my little eyes out. Seeing Noctis’ reflection as a 20 year old kid in Ignis’ glasses really got to me, because it never occurred to me that the last thing Ignis ever saw was Noctis at that age, so he didn’t get to see what Noctis looked like as a 30 year old man. The bad ending was just sad in a bad way that wasn’t emotionally charged lmao I got it by sucking at the game but hey, I saw it.

I just really appreciate how wrong I was proven by this game. I didn’t think it’d be as emotionally charged as it really is and becomes increasingly more so with the new DLC’s that come out. And while I have my criticisms, one of them being that there need to be all these DLC’s and movies and anime and whatnot just to get the full story and full emotional impact. And there are more DLC to come. Also, the women in the game are very underplayed and Luna especially got the short end of the stick with little to no character development and they just really fucked her over for no reason. I had to watch the movie Kingsglaive just to get to know her better lmao and that movie is hard to come by, I was lucky to find it so cheap.

But I digress. It really isn’t much of a Final Fantasy to me, it’s a good game in its own right but it really doesn’t feel like an FF game. It feels like a game all its own, and it has fantasy elements but it is a “fantasy based on reality” after all so I can’t really… like, I can’t say it’s not what I expected. And it’s not bad in any way, I like the modern take on fantasy elements. I like that they have smart phones and cars and how Prompto talks in internet lingo sometimes lmao it’s just very different from past FF’s and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just, idk, I don’t really have a strong opinion about this. It just took a long time to warm up to because as a Final Fantasy title, I had expectations initially. But when I cast those aside, I got to enjoy the game for what it is rather than what it could’ve been ten years ago.

But overall, I love it. I’m not without my (constructive) criticisms, but I do love it.

So much. SO MUCH.

I was going to say more but I don’t remember what. I’ll edit this later if I feel I have more to add.

♥ Brittany

Filed under: video games