I’m trying not to fall into a pit of despair over the fact that I just graduated college and I’m doing nothing with my life right now. I have no real job, other than taking care of my mom and the house which IS a job in itself and not one that I do well lmao, but I still live at home, I do nothing every day but sit around saying I’ll do things that I never do, feel miserable at the end of each day because I’m a useless piece of shit, aaaaaaaand repeat it all again the next day.
I’m tired of this.
Part of it is executive dysfunction, actually most of it is, brought on by post-grad depression. So even shit that I WANT to do? I don’t do. Lmao. Study Korean, nope. Watch some shows, nope. Clean, nope. I am just tired all the time and it’s safe to say that I basically just want to go back to sleep at any given point in time. I wouldn’t even get out of bed if my mom didn’t need me. Sure, there’s physical therapy but there’s issues with that rn. Basically my physical therapist is an idiot so I switched to a different one and have to go through the evaluation process all over again and ugh. I don’t want to lmao. I start up again on Monday but yeah, I just. I hope maybe once I start going again, I’ll have a sense of routine again. I’ll get out three days a week and have something to work on and do. But other than that I need to get off of my ass and do something with the house. My bed is a total wreck in itself, just… I look at it and I’m like no wonder I am miserable when there is nothing but pill bottles and empty water bottles and cereal boxes and shit all over the place?????? And clothes and junk in boxes all over my room that I need to go through and sort out. But yeah. I’m a mess. My whole life is a mess right now.
I guess in the coming months things will sort themselves out. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and acknowledge that I’m suffering from symptoms of my conditions. It doesn’t help that it’s freezing outside and we don’t have a functioning furnace so it’s always cold. If it were warm outside I’d have less issues with doing things but because it’s always cold I am always in pain and always tired and unwilling to leave my warm bedroom. But it is miserable being stuck in here all day, every day, with no contact with anyone outside of my mother and the internet lmao. I just.
I had hoped for a lot more for myself by this age.
But I need to work through those expectations and accept that I am in limbo right now. I won’t know where my life is headed until April and I don’t know where I’m going to be in a few months or what’s going to happen or anything and it’s fucking terrifying. My life is going to go from this stagnant nothingness to fast-paced busy as shit overnight and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I just. I’m scared, really.
I don’t know, man, I’m just feeling down tonight. I’m gonna find something to eat and rest and maybe force myself to watch a show or something and see if I get sucked in and maybe pass the time faster that way. Idk.
another ask meme no one will send me anything for cause i’m too out of touch with my followers, and i just wanted to answer them all anyway so~
how did you discover witchcraft?
well, it’s fuzzy because divination was always in my family but it was more based in christianity? like communing with angels and praying and drawing the cards in tarot in god’s name i guess. then some really bad stuff happened in my life when i was about 9-10 and my mom and i would always go to this metaphysical shop. i always got crystals there, namely rose quartz, and i saw faeries when i was little so i’d love to go there and see the faerie stuff lol. but they had witch stuff too so when things got bad my mom turned to witchcraft and i got my start there. we abandoned it for a long time after some shit went awry but i picked it back up in 2010? and i’ve felt a lot more whole since then. i don’t practice as much as i used to or would like to but it’s very much a part of me.
how long have you been a witch for?
this is a fuzzy question because i started young, abandoned it, then rekindled it. i would say i’ve been a witch for a solid 8 years, give or take a couple years as a child.
where did you start in your craft?
very small. i feel like i’m starting over again now because i had a few bad spells and took a break for a bit. like my spells worked just not how i wanted them to lmao so i was like hold up wait a minuteksjdf so i’m starting slow again. self-love spells and candle magic, stuff for sleep, nightly rituals with bubble baths, candles, and lavender/chamomile lotion that sort of stuff. i don’t know if i’ll go much bigger than that for a while but yeah.
how has your craft evolved since then?
it’s evolved quite a bit. i used to be anti-curse but i’m open to it now, i just don’t have the energy to actually do it. just don’t fuck with me. other than that i guess i’m just open to more things now? but still wary because i know what i’m capable of and i know life works in weird ways so it’s like well i want THIS to happen but NOT LIKE THAT so i gotta start putting in stipulations i guess lmao. i don’t know, my mindset has evolved.
what is that one thing that happened that convinced you that magic is real?
when i did a glamour about 3 years ago and it fuckin worked like a charm. i was amazed at how confident i felt and how i came off to people, i even like… got some unwanted attention out of it lmao which was a downside but you know, be careful what you witch for. but it worked and i want to do another glamour but i haven’t been able to get the same kind of energy i had when i did it. i was so confident and unafraid when i did it that it really came out in the spell. i remember to seal it i burnt a strand of my hair in the candle and the flame shot up into my hand and didn’t burn me and i was like hoLY SHIT MAGIC IS REAL. best moment.
what is one area you are completely convinced that is real? what are you more skeptic about?
i don’t know? i’m open to anything. like obviously i don’t think people can make themselves float or shapeshift and stuff but then again who the fuck am i to say some people can’t lmao you never know.
what celestial object do you feel most connected to?
celestial object? like planets moons and stars? uh, probably venus. i’m a libra and an aphrodite devotee sooooo. venus.
do you have a favourite crystal? favourite herb?
amethyst and tiger’s eye for sure. and i love lavender and rose petals.
what is your favourite divination method?
tarot for sure, been reading for a long time. i started reading on a handmade deck and i got my own official deck in 2012, i still use it and i still adore it.
are there any less known areas that you practice?
not really? i like to think of what i do as psychological magic but lmao that’s just me being a witch/psychologist trying to incorporate my crafts into each other. like for example i consider shadow work to be psych magic since it’s based on carl jung’s concept of the shadow. interesting shit.
how open are you about your craft?
preeeeeeeettty open. i wear a pentacle necklace everywhere i go, even when i was in college–a very catholic college–i wore it and people were very interested in it! but in a scared way lol
do you know any witches in real life?
i do! a good friend of mine is a witch as well.
any areas you wish you were better at?
i wish i was better at herbal magic. i do mostly candle stuff because i can’t afford a whole mess of herbs and i’m not good at disposing of herbal residue and whatnot but i love it so much. i just wish i had more freedom to do more i guess.
any areas you have always been interested in but never got around to trying?
hmmm sea witchery. i want to live near a beach one day to make that happen. take trips to te beach, collect sand and seawater, some seashells, do some magic, i’m down with that.
any areas you have been interested in and know a lot about but are too scared to try?
not really, i don’t know a whole lot about anything lol i am a little afraid of shadow work though. it’s a tough thing to do.
do you have a familiar?
i’m not sure. i believe my cat kira might be but i’m not even sure how to tell.
do you have a spirit guide?
probably but idk
do you have any spirit companions?
what is your favourite thing about your craft?
it makes me feel more in control about situations i don’t really have control over. when i do a spell i feel like i’m capable of changing the world, although that’s not true, it feels like it. i like the feeling of having confidence and control, although even still i don’t have much confidence in my spellwork yet, i get nervous and afraid at times. but i’m getting there and i feel good when i do magic.
what is some advice that you would give baby witches? or your past self when you were just starting out?
start slow. it might be boring, it might not have a big payoff, and it might not appear that anything has changed. but it’s important to start small because you are working with some heavy shit. you gotta research and know what you’re doing before you delve right into those curses and junk, i believe.
post a picture of your favourite page of your grimoire/book of shadows/witchy journal!
i’m still in the process of converting my basic ass notepad files in a folder bos to a nicer handwritten one sobs
how important are tools in your practice?
ummmmmmm i guess pretty important now that i think about it. i like using tools like candles and such but i know i don’t have to. it’s just easier for me to do more symbolic magic.
do you prefer to buy or make your tools?
buy them cause i suck at making anything lmao
Filed under: mental health
This is an ask meme from Tumblr but I never get asks and I wanted to do this SO I’M DOIN IT HERE
1. Favorite Final Fantasy game?
FFX. It was my first FF so it’s very special to me. It’s one of those rare games I can pay 95949 times in a row and not get tired of, I just love it so much.
2. Least favorite game?
Unpopular Opinion but FFVII lmao. I liked it just not as much as the others I’ve played.
3. Which games have you played?
VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, XII, XIII, XIII-2, XIII LR, XV. So a lot. But I only played VI and XII part way through so I can’t say much about them, I did like them for the most part tho, esp VI.
4. Most underrated game?
FFIX. I don’t feel like it gets the love it deserves, it’s such a fantastic game and it taught me a lot of life lessons growing up.
5. Most overrated game?
FFVII. My own feelings aside, you’ve got to admit the hype for it is a little crazy. It’s a good game but maybe a bit undeserving of all the hype, imo. Part of the reason it underwhelmed me is because I had high expectations going in an got disappointed when they weren’t met. Hype does nothing any good tbh.
6. Favorite protagonist?
Zidane for sure. I felt like he was a breath of fresh air from the broodier types like Cloud and Squall–both of whom I love, I just feel that Zidane was much more cheerful and knowledgeable about life. So his breakdown was that much more powerful, too, because you didn’t expect it from him. That’s why the whole “you’re not alone” scene is so strong.
7. Favorite antagonist?
Hmm, maybe Kuja? Ultimecia is pretty badass too but you don’t really get to know her much lmao that’s why there are so many theories about her. But Kuja is interesting. In the end he was just afraid to die alone, so he was like fuq it ima destroy the whole worLD. Which is very excessive. But it’s interesting. Kuja is very Extra.
8. Favorite side character?
I’m assuming this means a character that isn’t the protag, and barring my favorite characters overall, Ima say probably Lulu. I just love her so MUCH.
9. Favorite NPC?
Oh god idk maybe Blank from FFIX? He did a good and sacrificed himself to save everyone, luckily he was only petrified and could be saved later but man he was a good bro to Zidane.
10. Overall favorite character?
Yuna and Vivi are tied. Yuna is everything I wish I was, and used to be but I grew up and I’m just not like that anymore. I wish I was sometimes, but yeah. I look up to Yuna a lot. And Vivi reminds me so much of my younger self, too, like when I was really little. I feel like I love him in a way that extends to self love, because I want to protect him like I wish I could have protected my younger self.
11. Funniest character?
Zidane is pretty funny. So is Prompto. Um, I don’t know though I think those are my choices, I can’t think of anyone else that I find funny. I like Zidane’s whole goofy persona and Prompto is just a clumsy dumbass and I love it. Also, Rikku is pretty funny in X-2 lol.
12. Best looking male?
13. Best looking female?
Fang. SHE’S SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL. All the FF ladies are gorg but Fang tho.
14. Character you would most like to marry?
15. Character you hate the most?
Seymour. Everything he does is gross.
16. Which game had the best cast of characters?
Probably FFX. I’m biased though but I just fell in love with those characters so easily.
17. Which game was the saddest?
Probably FFX if we don’t take the events of FFX-2 into account–or if you take the sad ending into account. I haven’t played enough of VI or XII to say although I’ve heard VI is pretty sad. But I’ll go with FFX.
18. Which game was the funniest?
I find FFXV to be pretty funny a lot of the time but FFIX was lighthearted in a funny way despite its dark undertones.
19. Which game had the best love story?
FFVIII. I really loved that love story the most, although I know a lot of people would disagree and there are a lot of gripes about it… I loved it anyway.
20. If you could enter the game world and personally replace the main character of any game (playing through the game as yourself– you can change the story or keep it the same), which one would you choose?
FFIX or FFX. I loved those worlds the most.
21. Which game would you sooner die before doing the above ^?
22. Which game’s world would you most like to live in?
FFIX! I love that world so much.
23. Which specific location (e.g. Besaid Island) would you most like to live in?
Black Mage Village in FFIX. Or Dagguerreo however you spell it fuq but mostly BMV.
24. What’s your favorite job/class? Is this the same class you would want to be if you entered a class-based Final Fantasy game, or would you rather be a different one? If so, which one?
Black Mage. Always loved using magic. I’m not familiar with every class in FF since I only played the later games and not the first one or tactics or anything. But I’m p sure I’d still choose Black Mage.
25. What is your favorite ability?
Hmmmm, Protect Girls in FFIX is a pretty cute one. So is Provoke in FFX. I also like No Encounters a lot for when I’m in confusing dungeons :))))))
26. Favorite boss fight?
Leviathan in FFXV is pretty cool. I also like Sinspawn Gui in FFX.
27. Favorite enemy (e.g. Malboro)?
Tonberries are cool, the bastards.
28. Your favorite spell?
29. Favorite summon?
30. Least favorite battle/boss fight?
This is hard lmao there are a lot that I hate but Dark Yojimbo in FFX is a huge bitch. Having to fight him 5 times is so excessive, too.
31. Do you have any theories or headcanons you swear by (e.g. Rinoa as Sorceress)?
Not really although I do like the Rinoa as a sorceress/Ulimecia theory. Makes the game interesting.
32. Are there any fanon theories/headcanons you just can’t believe?
Squall is dead at the end of disc one lol
33. What is your favorite canon couple? (Doesn’t have to be the protagonist’s love story e.g. could be Cid/Shera)
Rinoa/Squall. Tidus/Yuna is another fave.
34. Which canon couple do you think is most likely to break up sometime after the credits roll?
Lol aww I don’t know, but they had Tidus and Yuna break up in that atrocity of an audio drama that I think we all just collectively choose to ignore. But while I don’t like that at all, I think it would make sense for them to have a lot of problems adjusting to couple life and Tidus adjusting back to… well, life in general and such.
35. What is your favorite NON-canon couple?
Hmmm. Tifa/Aerith. Fuq yo canon love triangle, Tifa/Aerith is where it’s AT. Also, I guess Fang/Vanille because they’re never stated to be a couple in canon even though we all know they are lol
36. And your least favorite non-canon couple?
Aurikku. I pretended to ship it for a while because a friend was a hardcore shipper and I was just dumb but it’s really gross lol
37. What do you think makes a game a “quintessential” Final Fantasy game? (In other words… some people say the new games don’t feel like Final Fantasy games to them. What FEELS like a Final Fantasy game, to you?)
All the games up to XII have the FF feel to me. Especially FFIX and FFX. The newer ones (XIII and XV) really don’t tbh, but I still love them.
38. What things did/would bother you when/if they were put in the games (i.e. what things DON’T belong in Final Fantasy games)?
Well, as much as I love FFXV, the mundane realism is kind of unnecessary. I don’t mind having a car and smart phones but it’s mostly the longass car rides you can’t always skip and just the boring running around with no purpose shit I could do without.
39. What is your favorite prequel or sequel?
FFX-2. Bash on it all you want, it was fun and still is fun.
40. Square-Enix hands over the reins to you, to make a prequel or sequel for any game of your choice, even ones that already have those things. What do you make?
FFIX HD remake. I’m jk (kind of) but I’d love a FFX prequel of Auron, Braska, and Jecht’s adventures.
41. Which character has the best outfit?
Lulu. It’s the most impractical lmao but I love it.
42. Worst character design?
Um idk I wasn’t fond of Amarant’s design.
43. What is your favorite weapon?
Ultima Weapon in like any game lmao
44. What cutscene do you wish you could cut out of any of the games?
Um, none really. I do wish I could cut out a lot of the unnecessary driving scenes in FFXV tho like I said lmao. I can’t think of any cut scenes I’d cut out, even really long unskippable ones like the Yunalesca ones in FFX. They’re important so I wouldn’t cut them.
45. What creature do you most wish was real? (Chocobo’s, moogles, etc.)
46. Best soundtrack?
Oh god that’s hard. They all have great OST’s. I think FFVIII is my favorite, though.
47. Favorite overworld song?
FFVI, I love Terra’s theme.
48. Which game had the best opening cutscene?
FFX-2 had the most fun one by far. I think FFVIII had a good one, too.
49. Which game had the best ending?
50. Favorite vocal Final Fantasy song?
Eyes on Me.
51. Favorite non-vocal song?
SO HARD. I have so many. Um. Idk right away I’m gonna say Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec because it pops to mind first
52. Favorite limit break/overdrive/trance/you-get-the-picture mode and/or ability?
Zidane’s trance Dyne abilities, and Rikku’s Mix.
53. Are there any plot-holes or questions you have about any of the games that you wish would be resolved?
I can’t think of any in particular, honestly it’s been so long since I played some games that I can’t remember plot holes. FFXV does have a lot of them, though, being unfinished and all. But honestly, I’m so unobservant and forgetful anymore than I can’t really point any specific ones out lmao but a lot of things are only just making sense with the DLC’s and added scenes and shit.
54. What scene had the most impact on you?
The scene at Home in FFX when Tidus finds out that Yuna will die when she defeats Sin. I still cry.
55. Which game did you play first, and when (how old were you, etc.)?
I played FFX when I was 12 in 2003. I remember loving the idea of FF after playing KH and then back when G4 existed and was good, I saw a Cheat episode dedicated to FFX and was like I NEED THIS GAME so I bought it on ebay and I fell in love instantly.
56. Do you own any merchandise?
I do! I have a Yuna necklace and Squall’s ring. I also have a FFVIII bracelet. Um, let’s see, I have posters and CDs although I found out at one point that they’re mostly bootlegs lmao sobs I think that’s it.
57. What game that has yet to be released are you most looking forward to?
I look forward to FFXVI even though there’s no info at all about it yet lmao I always look forward to new FF games.
58. What do you think of the Final Fantasy fandom in general? Do you think it is a good one? Any complaints?
I think it’s a good one despite ridic ship wars lmao I don’t really take part in it anymore but it was never really BAD to me growing up.
59. Do you have any favorite works of art or fanfiction that you always go back to, and/or basically accept as canon?
No. I never really read fanfic, although I wrote it.
60. If you got the chance to work at Square Enix making Final Fantasy games, at any job, regardless of your skill set (they offer you paid training), what would you most like to work on or do?
Writing. I’d love to help write a FF game.