my life has been… really imbalanced. on one hand, i’ve had a lot of traumatic life experiences. i have very poor physical and mental health, and i have for as long as i can remember. and i feel that that’s a huge part of what’s held me back, why i lack a lot of more “normal” life experience. i’ve never been out on a date, never had a real relationship, never had sex, never had a job because of my health, i still live at home with my mom at 28, it’s all just… really depressing.
but that lack of experience is due, in large part, to my poor health and the trauma of having to drop everything to take care of my sick and very abusive grandmother, because the adults in my family preferred not to and left my mother and i alone in the task. so i was homebound in high school for my last two years for all of those reasons. so no, i didn’t go to homecoming. i didn’t go to prom. i was never asked out on a date because i missed so much school that i became more of a joke than a person. i had a couple of opportunities to date but my family sabotaged them.
and i wasn’t able to get a job, although i did do data entry as a volunteer job for one summer. that’s it. that’s all i’ve got. i’ve really got nothing else in that regard, aside from taking care of my mother and being her maid, servant, stenographer, personal assistant, and nurse. not that i mind, it’s been my life since i was little, but it’s all i do. i’m a caretaker. but i don’t know, i feel like that falls under the more abnormal life experiences that i have. it’s helped me to become a nurturing person but i don’t know. it’s all complicated and, tbh, fucked up.
i just really want to break out of my shell and be more independent. i have said this numerous times. i want to gain experience, i want to feel like i am my age, nearly 28 years old with little to show for it. i don’t know. maybe i’m just whiny. maybe it’s normal for my generation.
i feel like… if i want to start dating, which i do, i will run into this problem of meeting people my age who want to settle down and start a family. which i don’t want yet. and if i go for someone younger, they’re likely not going to want an older woman with no experience lmao so. i don’t know i don’t think i can really win? maybe i’m just putting it in too stark of terms, not everyone is the same, not everyone wants marriage and family. and maybe i’d want that in a few years but i don’t know yet. i just know that i want to feel like an experienced, independent 28-year-old woman and right now i really don’t.
Filed under: vent