Time: 12/6/18 @ 8:27am Mood: Bored Music: Florence + the Machine - Heartlines Watching: Nothing Doing: Blogging Song Stuck in Head: NCT 127 - Simon Says / K/DA - POP/STARS Playing: FFIX, KH Days Obsessions: NCT, KH
Name: Blinding Features: Yuna from Final Fantasy X Tools: Adobe Photoshop CS2, Notepad Fonts: Notera, Porcelain, 0b403 or whatever, Century Gothic Lyrics: Florence + The Machine - Blinding Comments: I threw this together in like an hour lmao and it shows. It's not great. It's just a blend of pictures I threw through a filter I made a long time ago and then threw some text on. I was just so inspired by this song and Yuna popped into my mind, and what she might have felt when Tidus had to leave. Though really, the song just means a lot to me, personally, because it describes things that I've been feeling in my life recently. Particularly the 'no more calling like a crow for a boy' and 'no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong one' lines. It just hits me in the heart and I wanted to make something with them, so this happened. I'm just not sure whY when I upload images now they stretch so big lmao like they get ruined I'm so mad about it but if you zoom out to 90% you get something of what it's supposed to look like. Ugh.
Lmao not specifically this mashup but these two songs have been on loop since Simon Says came out and I can’t believe someone mashed them up like they were reading my mind.
But like this mashup has actually been on my mind too and I feeeeeeeeeeeeel like I need all three songs mashed together just so I can Die in peace
Goddddddddd pop/stars is just such a good song man i cannot
I’ve been losing my mind quite literally. I’m very tired. I’m very sad. I’m very ready for death. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel an overwhelming sense of…. failure. Lmao.
I just want to get into grad school. I’m afraid that I won’t. I’m afraid I’ll bomb the phone interview and lose my chance. I’m afraid I just won’t be good enough. I’m afraid I won’t even be able to afford it. I’m afraid I won’t even have a place to live. I don’t know, there’s so much in this basket that it’s overflowing and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
But I’m trying to have faith. I’m trying really hard to have hope. I just feel so useless, being 28 and still living at home, not being able to even do much around the house, trying to take care of my mom and not doing a very good job at it, not being able to get a real job to support us and find a way to move out to go to school, I’m just. I’m very worried and I feel like a failure. Everyone else my age is either married or has a good job or travels the world or is at least somewhat self sufficient. I’m not. And I just feel like I’m failing at life because I don’t do anything but minimal housework, physical therapy on a good day, grocery shopping, go to doctor’s appointments, and look at Jaehyun and fuck around on Twitter and Tumblr.
I am too old for all of this. I feel stunted. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and i don’t feel like I have any control over it. I’m tired.
And I still have to write about my trip to LA because at least that made me feel like an independent adult. God.
I don’t know, I’m trying to have faith that my life will work itself out into something that I’m content with. I’m trying really hard.
I need to change the layout, too, but for now I’m just using another old one because Photoshop just sucks on this computer and I can’t get a layout that I really like at the right size. For some reason, every one I make comes out too small or looks all stretched out and ugly. I don’t like that at all lmao so I have to work something out I guess. Not that anyone cares, no one reads this blog and the domain runs out soon so I gotta shell out $30 to do that and ughasldjfdfdfkasdfkjs
EDIT // Ended up throwing a layout together because this song inspired me. It’sk ind of shitty but I like it anyway. I just wish it didn’t fucking stretch out???????????? What the fuck why does that happen is it just my computer lmao??????????? I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT HAPPENS IT LOOKED FINE IN PHOTOSHOP AND WHEN I CODED IT I’M SO MAD
So I’m off to a gr8 start keeping this blog active like I wanted to this year. I haven’t been journaling much at all lately. I just haven’t felt up to writing, much less anything to write about. But I’ll try. I might try jsut doing monthly blogs if I can’t bring myself to write individual ones more often idk, I just want to try to keep writing. It’s all I’ve got, really.
But anyway, so far the Abilify is working pretty well. My doctor increased it to 10mg and it was making me shaky but it’s gone away now. The restless fatigue bullshit has gone, too, so that’s good. I’ve been a lot more mentally and emotionally stable which is good, but school has been making me super stressed so… that’s great. I’m just very tired and burnt out. Like… I have all the symptoms of burnout and all I want to do is sleep, I am so tired of everything. And now that I’m finding some sense of mental stability for the most part I just want to live my life instead of being bogged down by stress. But I don’t even know what I can DO to live my life tbh lmao. I just feel really alone and out of place when I’m at school and then I come home to piles of homework and stress about shit to come. Idk. I just really want to run away and start over sometimes. Sell all my shit and move far away. That kind of daydreamy bullshit lmao.
I just really can’t wait to be done with undergrad and hopefully be able to go on to grad school. I’ve got to start planning out what I’m gonna do if I can’t get financial aid to pay for it, or at least help. Like if I can’t get a fellowship or whatever, I’ll have to start looking for a job but it’d have to be one that I can actually do with my disabilities and one that will pay well enough for me to go off of disability and lsdjfsldlfja it’s. It’s frustrating and difficult and I don’t want to think about this right now.
Anyway, we got Kira spayed and that went okay. She has a tattoo in her ear because apparently they do that now lmao so that annoys me but it’s okay. It healed up well, as have her stitches and she’s back to her speed racer self. But I had to take her to the vet for other reasons unrelated to the spay. She had a fall and landed on her left hip and kept limping but the vet said there was no injury, just that she has something called patellar luxation, which is a birth defect that causes the kneecap to go out of place at times and that the fall may have just exacerbated it. But it’s a permanent condition and she will limp when it goes out of place and be in some pain until she learns to manage to get it back in place. But she seems to be doing okay, we have pain meds for when it gets too bad but she’s been okay since the vet visit. So that’s just something we have to deal with and surgery is an option later on if it gets worse or becomes really bothersome. So I’ll keep that in mind, I would just rather it not come to that.
Other than that there is really nothing going on. I’m just tired of school and tired of my house and tired in general and I really want this year to be done with. I’m ready for 2018 already because then I will be done with everything and in a new chapter of my life and I’m more than ready for that right now. It’s just more waiting games and this semester is going to be grueling and keeping my shit in perspective is hard. It’s just a semester and it’ll all be over by May and hopefully I’ll be able to walk at graduation and get to go back next semester for a couple classes to get my full 120 credits (because I’m 4 short still lmfao 4 jfc) and and
And the best thing
I get to see Stevie Nicks in March. OHHHH MY GODDDDDD I AM SO EXCITED IT’S ALL I’M LIVING FOR AT THIS POINT JUST TO HEAR STEVIE’S VOICE IN MY EARS LIVE I AM SO PSYCHED. Like the week after the show is a grueling one with my thesis presentation and then a group presentation for my religion class and exams and papers due and shit buT BUT. BEFORE ALL THAT I GET TO SEE STEVIE AND CRY MY EYES OUT AND CRY AND SING EVERYTHING OUT AND I AM SO EXCITED. I just ahhhh I can’t wait. It’s making everything worthwhile. I’M DOIN IT FOR STEVIE.
Also I really need a new layout. I love this one but I want a colorful one. I might just use an old one for a bit because lol time like I have time to make a new one like I really want to. Sobs.
I spent some time outside today and felt really good. It was gently raining and that’s always nice. And since it’s the 4th, I messed around with those little pop it things and it was kinda fun. Fireworks always get me anxious so I figured I’d just have a little fun on my own, making my own explosion noises, to try to help me cope a little bit. It helped.
I’ve felt pretty okay today generally, but the past few days have been very weird mood-wise. I think I’m in a hypomanic episode because my energy is very high mentally, but my body’s energy is very low so that’s contributing to some restlessness and irritability. It’s all very mild but noticeable, especially in random bouts of hyperactivity and narcissistic-type feelings. Which sounds weird as fuck coming from me but that’s hypomania for you. If that’s what this is. I’m hesitant to say it is because I have no idea but it’s certainly a pointed change in mood and energy level that’s lasting a little while. I’ve felt mixed, too, though, so I don’t know. I’ll talk to my doctor about it soon and hopefully figure out what else can be done med-wise because what I’m on doesn’t seem to be helping.
In any case, I did feel pretty good spending some time outside today, it got some of that energy out in a way that I could manage physically and I took loads of silly selfies, because I could. It wasn’t much but it was enough to make me feel a little better and a little less holed up in the house.
This summer isn’t shaping up to be much of anything, although I did start my internship but right now things are kind of off because of car trouble so… I’m anxious about that but I’ll get it sorted out tomorrow. But next summer I really want to have my license so I can go on drives by myself. Nothing major, just taking a drive out to the river every now and then, going to the bar, hanging out with friends would be nice, too. But I’d really love to devote next summer to myself. I really want to get a tattoo soon, too, but that probably won’t happen until next summer, either. But it’s something to aim for, for sure.
All that said, I’m in an uncomfortable patch in life at the moment but I’m dealing and that’s what matters.
So I got my hair cut the other day and while I miss my long mermaid hair, I really love how it turned out. I felt really good the rest of the day, and I went shopping for some new shorts and got a couple nice things on sale for myself. So, it was a good day and I was feelin myself completely. Days like that are few and far between and short-lived, but always worth noting because I feel like myself when I’m happy. It wasn’t just because of material things and changes to my appearance, although those helped enhance my confidence a lot, it was really a happiness from within and a realization that I am a beautiful person no matter what I look like. I am a beautiful human being and I deserve to feel that all the time, from within, to love myself from within all the time. It’s hard but I’m getting better at it.
I want to be strong and find strength in myself, and not feel so little anymore. I mean, I’m a small girl, but that’s irrelevant. I’ve got to love myself more and stop comparing myself to others in every way, and look down on myself. I don’t need to and I definitely deserve better. I’m going through some tough times right now, learning to deal with my mental illness and let go of things that still hurt, but I’ll find strength in that.
There’s this song and video that have been helping me a lot lately. Birdy’s Wild Horses. Not only is the video totally my aesthetic (mermaids!!!!!!!!) but the lyrics really speak to me. It’s becoming my strength song and it’s very important to me.