Filed under: letters
The news about SHINee’s Jonghyun broke my heart. I’m still in shock. He was a light in this world, a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and I believe that he is still all of those things despite the fact that he’s no longer walking this earth.
Reading his suicide letter really… really broke me. I found myself relating to it too much. I will never say that I know how someone feels, because no one truly knows how anyone else feels. If I’ve truly learned anything in my undergraduate studies in psychology, it’s that. No one can ever know what another person’s subjective experiences are, not 100%. So no, I can’t say that I know what he felt. But I can understand because I’ve been in a similar dark place. I don’t know what’s stopped me from losing myself in that dark place, but I wish something would have stopped him. I wish so much that he were still living and that he could’ve gotten help to relieve some of his pain. But life doesn’t work the way it should. And it’s not fair.
SHINee was there for me in some dark times in my life. Through my last year of high school, especially, and all of the shit that came with having the family that I have. That’s why this hits so close to home. I never knew Jonghyun, I didn’t even follow the group that closely, but that’s beside the point. Maybe it is just pop music, maybe he was just an idol, but he was a human being first and foremost. What he was to me is irrelevant. He was a human being who just wanted to bring happiness to people’s hearts and he did that with his music and his bright personality. All the while he was hurting deep down inside and no one knew, because he hid it so well. And it’s just such a shame that such a beautiful person was taken from this world so soon, and by his own pain.
Depression is a deadly disease. People don’t take it seriously enough. It can be fatal. And in this case, it was.
It’s just so hard to process. It’s so hard to understand and wrap my head around. What could anyone have done to stop this? Why can’t we just put his soul back into his body and see him smile again? Because he’s never going to smile again, or sing, or write another beautiful song. It’s so heartbreaking to think about. All anyone can do is continue to keep his memory alive and honor him in whatever ways they can.
I don’t know what else to say because it truly hurts to have to say anything, to acknowledge that this is real.
But I will just say that, Jonghyun, you are loved, and I hope that your soul has found peace and that you can see how loved you are from wherever your soul is now. I hope that now you can rest easy without pain.
With that said, here is my favorite SHINee performance. I’ve been watching it constantly, because it brings me some comfort in this awful, awful time.
Take up space. Don’t be afraid to spread out a little more, stretch, take up space, don’t apologize for it. You’ve spent so much of your life making yourself smaller to allow other people to have more room and it’s time to stop. Take up your own space and don’t apologize. You are a human being and you deserve to take up space and call it your own.
And don’t say you don’t belong anywhere. You belong anywhere you are, everywhere you go, you belong. Maybe people don’t know you well enough to include you in activities, maybe you feel strange in certain places, but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong or that you’re unworthy.
Take up space. It belongs to you.
You are beautiful.
You don’t need anyone to tell you that. You are beautiful in more than one way. You are beautiful in ways that are all your own. Comparing your beauty to that of other girls isn’t going to do anything but make you miserable. Comparison is toxic, and although it’s human to do it, it doesn’t make it any less harmful. Everyone is different, everyone is worthy of love and good things, and everyone has something different to offer to the world. Don’t compare what you have to what others have, because it’s not any more or less than what anyone else has, it’s just different. And that’s how it should be.
Outer beauty is just one small aspect of who you are, too, but that’s not the issue here. You know this already. And it’s okay to love yourself and your beauty. It’s okay to be proud of how you look and to revel in it. You don’t owe it to anyone to be modest, and there is a difference between being vain and being confident. Confidence is a good thing and it comes from loving yourself and who you are, first and foremost. So don’t worry about that. You aren’t vain for saying you’re beautiful; you’re honest.
So, again, you are beautiful and you don’t need anyone to tell you that. Tell yourself, everyday, and know that you’re beautiful in many ways that are all your own.