Time: 12/6/18 @ 8:27am Mood: Bored Music: Florence + the Machine - Heartlines Watching: Nothing Doing: Blogging Song Stuck in Head: NCT 127 - Simon Says / K/DA - POP/STARS Playing: FFIX, KH Days Obsessions: NCT, KH
Name: Blinding Features: Yuna from Final Fantasy X Tools: Adobe Photoshop CS2, Notepad Fonts: Notera, Porcelain, 0b403 or whatever, Century Gothic Lyrics: Florence + The Machine - Blinding Comments: I threw this together in like an hour lmao and it shows. It's not great. It's just a blend of pictures I threw through a filter I made a long time ago and then threw some text on. I was just so inspired by this song and Yuna popped into my mind, and what she might have felt when Tidus had to leave. Though really, the song just means a lot to me, personally, because it describes things that I've been feeling in my life recently. Particularly the 'no more calling like a crow for a boy' and 'no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong one' lines. It just hits me in the heart and I wanted to make something with them, so this happened. I'm just not sure whY when I upload images now they stretch so big lmao like they get ruined I'm so mad about it but if you zoom out to 90% you get something of what it's supposed to look like. Ugh.
Lmao not specifically this mashup but these two songs have been on loop since Simon Says came out and I can’t believe someone mashed them up like they were reading my mind.
But like this mashup has actually been on my mind too and I feeeeeeeeeeeeel like I need all three songs mashed together just so I can Die in peace
Goddddddddd pop/stars is just such a good song man i cannot
I’ve been losing my mind quite literally. I’m very tired. I’m very sad. I’m very ready for death. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel an overwhelming sense of…. failure. Lmao.
I just want to get into grad school. I’m afraid that I won’t. I’m afraid I’ll bomb the phone interview and lose my chance. I’m afraid I just won’t be good enough. I’m afraid I won’t even be able to afford it. I’m afraid I won’t even have a place to live. I don’t know, there’s so much in this basket that it’s overflowing and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
But I’m trying to have faith. I’m trying really hard to have hope. I just feel so useless, being 28 and still living at home, not being able to even do much around the house, trying to take care of my mom and not doing a very good job at it, not being able to get a real job to support us and find a way to move out to go to school, I’m just. I’m very worried and I feel like a failure. Everyone else my age is either married or has a good job or travels the world or is at least somewhat self sufficient. I’m not. And I just feel like I’m failing at life because I don’t do anything but minimal housework, physical therapy on a good day, grocery shopping, go to doctor’s appointments, and look at Jaehyun and fuck around on Twitter and Tumblr.
I am too old for all of this. I feel stunted. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and i don’t feel like I have any control over it. I’m tired.
And I still have to write about my trip to LA because at least that made me feel like an independent adult. God.
I don’t know, I’m trying to have faith that my life will work itself out into something that I’m content with. I’m trying really hard.
I need to change the layout, too, but for now I’m just using another old one because Photoshop just sucks on this computer and I can’t get a layout that I really like at the right size. For some reason, every one I make comes out too small or looks all stretched out and ugly. I don’t like that at all lmao so I have to work something out I guess. Not that anyone cares, no one reads this blog and the domain runs out soon so I gotta shell out $30 to do that and ughasldjfdfdfkasdfkjs
EDIT // Ended up throwing a layout together because this song inspired me. It’sk ind of shitty but I like it anyway. I just wish it didn’t fucking stretch out???????????? What the fuck why does that happen is it just my computer lmao??????????? I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT HAPPENS IT LOOKED FINE IN PHOTOSHOP AND WHEN I CODED IT I’M SO MAD
SO I HAVE A NEW LAYOUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OVER A YEAR. It’s been a while. I’m out of practice so this layout isn’t that great but I like it all the same. Forgive me if it looks like shit on your computer, though, because my laptop resolution is weird and Photoshop makes everything look smaller so I don’t know what the hell. But here we are.
I’ll blog again for New Year’s, as I always do. Until then~
I haven’t posted since July and that makes me sad. I was trying really hard to keep up with the positives in my life so I could have a place to go to to remind me of the good things, but unfortunately that isn’t quite working out.
So, along with a much darker change of layout, this blog is now a vent and recovery blog. Positive recovery entries will still be posted and the established formats will remain (photo of the day, letters, self love posts, etc.) but some not-so-positive stuff will be posted as well, and most likely kept private. Because ultimately, this is a space for me to document the ups and downs in my recovery, to use as a tool to help me towards my goal of recovery. This year has not been kind to me and I am going to talk about those things in a safe, designated environment to help me gain some insight and closure on things. I used to blog regularly for years and then I stopped, and I feel that when I did that, I lost a very important coping mechanism.
So, yeah, welcome to the new blog. Password-protected entries will frequently occur and the passwords will be given only to those I wish to read those particular entries. They will not be freely given. But as this is a space for me and not others’ enjoyment anyway, I don’t see this being a problem.
In any case, this has been an update and hopefully I will get more use out of this blog than I was before.
Decided I felt better having my recovery blog on a separate subdomain. It feels safer and more homey to me somehow, always has, rather than having it right there on the main site. So yeah. We’re here now!
And well I haven’t been doing too great. The meds are helping but I feel like I’ve been in a mixed state for a few days. Mildly so, but it’s like I’m hyper-focused and energetic and have tons of ideas and get super productive and creative, then I crash into a depression after being sort of numb but feeling everything all at once for a short period in between. I don’t know. It’s something I’ll talk to my pdoc about next week when I see him.
Other than that, I did a sun spell yesterday to promote positivity. Kinda worked, kinda didn’t, gonna try again tomorrow when I’m hopefully feeling better.
I’ve just been working on setting up my layout portfolio on the main site and cleaning up around the house and sleeping. That’s really all my life is at the moment. I need to get my internship set up but the woman I need to speak to wasn’t in today so I’ll just keep trying.
All that said, I’m gonna work on a new layout now that looking at my old one has given me some inspiration. For now, this one will do since I didn’t even really use it for long