Man. I don’t know what’s happening but I felt hypomanic and then I crashed in energy but my mind is still running super fast.
I just feel like, I need to work on a lot of things. It’s overwhelming how many things about myself I don’t like, but what if instead of changing everything about myself I just… learn to accept it. Learn to accept that I’m a bit awkward with strangers. To accept that I look a bit younger, that I’m not good with public speaking, that I’m a bit behind in life. Instead, I gotta learn to just embrace some things and look at the positives about myself. I may be awkward, quiet, and tongue-tied at first but once I get comfortable I can get really deep and I’m even funny sometimes. And I’m a good listener, I’m good at empathizing and understanding other people. That’s why I’m aiming to become a therapist. I don’t know what else to do or how else to be, other than deeply compassionate, listening to people, validating them, empathizing. I’m good at it. I’m also a great writer. I’ve been having fun writing out really ridiculous romance scenarios to amuse myself, and they’re not half bad. My academic writing is also something to brag about, I’m just really proud of my writing skills. Some people are better, yes, and I have a lot to learn still but I have raw, natural talent and if I work on honing it a bit more I can be even better. I’m really good with written word, and maybe it would be an idea to consider doing counseling work online or working for a crisis text hotline at some point. I don’t know. I just now thought of that, so it’s a very green idea but it’s something that maybe I can consider sometime.
But anyway, my looks are a big source of my self esteem issues, too. But. I mean, I like this picture.
Black and white but lmao hey it’s still good.
I look young but most people seem to think I’m 22. Wish I was 22. But I guess it’s not a bad thing to look younger, at least when I’m older I’ll still look young, I guess? I just wish people would take me more seriously, though. But I digress. I need to have confidence in myself, and I mean no, looks aren’t everything, but it helps to like how you look. And I do need to work on that much, just accepting myself. I mean, I’ve got a cute face, nice tits, nice legs, cute ass, I’ve got it. I just want to work on liking myself, inside and out, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all.
As for being behind in life, I can’t… do much about that, but try to catch up at my own pace. I will go to grad school. I will get my own place. I will learn to drive. I will meet someone to at least fuck, I mean, there’s got to be someone out there I can trust enough to get close to that way. It’s not as important as obtaining the freedom and independence that I crave, but it’s on my list, yeah. I’m not looking for a “man to take care of me” I’m looking for someone, anyone, that I can trust and love who will trust and love me back. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask for.
I just. I guess what I want to work on is having confidence. Rather than trying to change every little thing about myself, just… accept my flaws and do my best to do better when I can.
I’m trying my best now to be an adult, make my phone calls, go to my doctor’s appointments, go to physical therapy, it’s tough. But I’m doing the best I can and that’s what’s important. It’s the end of the year so I feel the desire to be lazy and I think I can get away with it. Nothing much to do but rot until the first of the year and then really grind and get my shit together. Get grad school stuff finished, look for apartments, possibly a roommate, work on getting rid of shit, etc. 2019 will be a long year, and even if I don’t get into grad school, I’m still going to work on moving and I will try again. But hopefully, things will work out and I can accomplish shit in 2019. That’s all I want.
I read some old blog entries and got smacked in the face with nostalgia and just… a lot of feelings. There are things I miss about 9-10 years ago, and there are things that I don’t miss. But I do miss being more carefree and happy and finding happiness in things and not being so lonely all the time and relying on social media to relieve that loneliness. I mean, I was lonely, but I was okay with solitude. Now it just scares me.
I can see now that I had hypomanic episodes even back then, though, but I didn’t think much of it. So it’s weird to think that maybe I could’ve gotten help back then if I had paid attention, but nothing was bad enough that it was a detriment to my daily functioning like it is now so. I mean, my depression was bad but I was able to control it whereas now it’s very hard. College and everything I’ve been through in the past four and a half year just lent itself to worsening my mental health, whereas back then I had my problems but I was more… I don’t know. More resilient, somehow. There are things I didn’t talk about and things I kept hidden, I know, but I tried so hard to be happy. SHINee made me so happy and got me through a lot of tough times and that’s why the loss of Jonghyun hits so hard.
But aside from that, I learned that I really… need to take responsibility for my own happiness and well-being. I can’t keep giving people more than I get from them. I can’t keep pining for people who don’t pine for me. I can’t keep hurting myself for not being where I wanted to be by this age. I just can’t keep doing this. I have to move on from some things and leave them in the past where they belong. I can’t keep dragging that baggage with me everywhere I go. Some things have just changed and there’s no going back to how things were. That’s just how it is. I can either dwell on those losses or I can accept it and hold out hope for a better future. Things look bleak right now, I’m very pessimistic about the future, but I’m capable of overcoming that and holding onto hope. I just have to learn how to do that again.
I really miss how things were before so many things changed. But I just can’t keep wading in that dark water. I have my regrets and I have things that I’m proud of. Just like everyone else. There’s no use in lamenting what’s lost, because some things there is just no getting back. And I have to learn how to be okay with that. There is still hope for some things but it just… some things are worth holding out hope for, while others just keep me in an unhealthy cycle clinging to false hope. And I can’t do that, either. I have to accept what’s lost and what’s different and cherish what I still have while cherishing the past in a way that doesn’t leave me dwelling on what went wrong. I know what went wrong in a lot of cases, and there’s no fixing it. There are things I can’t talk about, things I can’t discuss with other parties involved, and that’s a sure sign that something is flawed in those relationships and that they’re probably not worth trying to salvage beyond their current state. So I have to resign to that and let it go. I’m just hurting myself by clinging to the sharp fragments of memories that are long gone now.
I just really need to move on and I hope that in 2018, I can do that. That’s my goal. Move on from some things. Hold out hope and don’t give up on my dreams. I’ve been very pessimistic about getting into grad school and I’m honestly just tempting fate here. If I don’t start having a positive outlook then I might just tempt the universe into being like welp maybe you don’t want it bad enough. Maybe you aren’t going to try hard enough. I my not get into my dream school, I may not get into my last resort choice, I don’t know. But I can always try again. I can take the GRE again and devote my time to figuring out all that tough math, read more, try harder. Keep applying until I get in. I just can’t give up on my dream, like there’s a lot that I’m not good at, there are a lot of ways that I’m inadequate, but I have the heart and the soul and the drive to keep going and realize my dream. Even if I don’t get my Ph.D, I can still go into clinical mental health counseling. I can still be a therapist even if the Ph.D dream doesn’t come true. But by damn, I will try my hardest to make it come true.
And that’s all I got. I’m just very thoughtful. Holidays do that to me, this weird space between Christmas and New Year’s always does this to me. But it’s important. I just have to start putting things more into practice than into words.
I’m still pretty shaken up about Jonghyun. I just can’t wrap my head around what happened. It got me thinking about other things, other losses, and how weird it’s been the past couple of years.
The passage of time has really shaken me up, too. Thinking about SHINee and how it’s been nearly 10 years since they debuted and I remember that time. I remember being a huge SHINee fan around that time and just. I never would’ve guessed that it’d have ended up this way. It’s just so heartbreaking and tragic. And I just wish I could go back to that time, not just for the obvious reasons but just because I miss when I was younger and more optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ve wasted the past 10 years. I feel like I’m behind. I feel emotionally incapable to be 27 years old. It’s so hard to accept how some things have changed while others haven’t. Things that I wanted to change just didn’t, while everything else is changing in ways I don’t like and I’m not ready for any of it. I’m just… not.
I just feel a lot of things. I’ve been getting angry lately over little things. Mostly just… frustration at feeling alone and invisible. I get angry at the people I love for not being there when I need them, even though I do nothing to reach out and ask for help and say, “hey, I’m feeling low right now, can we talk for a bit” or something. So then I just get angry at myself for lashing out and for not doing anything about it, for not taking care of myself, for needing other people, for just… not doing what I should do. I need to work on taking care of myself, and reaching out and asking for help when I need it but knowing that I won’t always get it right when I want it, or at all, even. I try to be there for everyone when they need someone but I’m not there for myself. That needs to change.
Graduating college has left me empty, too. I’m okay right now but in a month it’s going to hit me that I’m not going back. I still feel like I’m going back in a few weeks. It hasn’t hit me yet that it’s over. And while I’m happy, I don’t feel like I’m ready to be done. I am but I’m not. I’m leaving behind a lot of memories and a huge chunk of my life. And if I get rejected to grad school, I mean I’ll take the GRE again and try again but it will get me down, I’m not going to lie. It’s a big loss and I’m trying really hard to accept it now before it hits me later but it’s hard to do. I keep trying to tell myself that hard doesn’t mean impossible, but it’s still what it is.
I don’t know. I’m just trying to accept a lot of changes and I feel like my brain needs rewired, or maybe my soul, I don’t know. I feel like some change has to take place internally. Externally, everything is backwards. Like I said before, things that I don’t want to change are changing while things that I wish would change remain the same. I don’t know how to deal with that. I’m working on finding a way to. I’m working on finding ways to stop feeling so damn down about myself, to overcome those body image issues, to love myself, something… I just don’t know how to find those ways. I only have three emotions at this point, love, anger, and sadness. Also fear. So four. Four emotions that I feel intensely and I feel like I’m always wrong for feeling them. I feel like it’s my fault that I’m mentally ill. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I do. I’m trying to work on overcoming that.
I’m trying. I just fail most times. 2017 has been a year of learning what my inadequacies truly are and trying to find some semblance of hope that maybe I’m good enough in some way. I’m still looking for that hope. I don’t want to put pressure on 2018 to be a better year, and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to have myself all figured out a year from now, because I know it’s not likely to happen. But I do want to go into the new year with some kind of hopefulness that maybe things CAN get better. Not an expectation that they will, but hope that they can.
I’ve been having body image issues lately. I don’t know why, but it’s been really bothersome and it’s something I need to work on getting over.
I never used to have problems with my body image. You’d think with age, that stuff would go away rather than crop up but nah, I do everything backwards so lmao why not this, too. I don’t want to go into details about like, what is bothering me exactly because it’s everything, really, very small stupid little thing. It’s not weight issues, I am underweight as it is so part of me is afraid of mentioning this for fear people will be like oh but you’re so tiny what is ur problem. Like, being tiny is part of the problem lmao I feel like I have the body of a 12 year old little girl and not a 27 year old woman. But I know that’s just me perceiving things that way. I’m just tired of being reminded by people how young I look, like yes, I know. Please stop telling me.
Hell, I have a hard time even calling myself a woman lmao but calling myself a girl is just as weird. Not a gender thing, just an age thing. I still feel like I’m in my early 20s even though I’m nearing 30. And that is another issue that’s being caused by my body image issues.
See, these issues are causing other issues, too, like I just feel so uncomfortable in my skin–which is probably my biggest body image issue, I have terrible skin and that has always been a problem. And I compare myself to everyone, which is the root of this problem. I never used to compare myself to people, therefore I never had body image issues. I didn’t pay attention to the media or have any cause for comparison. I still don’t have any real reason to compare myself to anyone, there never really is a good reason to do that. But things in my life prompted me to compare myself to other girls, specific girls, and now here I am with this mess.
I’m just tired of being so uncomfortable in my own body. I worry about how I speak and how I look and how I walk and how I breathe, even, just. This is something to work on in the coming year, I guess. Stop comparing myself to other people and work on building a stronger sense of self. Because I know, as I should as a psychology student, that body image is nothing more than how we perceive ourselves and it’s incredibly distorted sometimes. How I look to myself may not be how other people see me at all. Everyone has their own opinion and it shouldn’t matter to me what those opinions are. That’s part of what I’ve got to work on, not caring what other people think of me. Never used to care, again, it only happened in recent years.
I need to learn to trust myself more, too, and just… work on a lot. Loving myself, I guess.
So I got my hair cut the other day and while I miss my long mermaid hair, I really love how it turned out. I felt really good the rest of the day, and I went shopping for some new shorts and got a couple nice things on sale for myself. So, it was a good day and I was feelin myself completely. Days like that are few and far between and short-lived, but always worth noting because I feel like myself when I’m happy. It wasn’t just because of material things and changes to my appearance, although those helped enhance my confidence a lot, it was really a happiness from within and a realization that I am a beautiful person no matter what I look like. I am a beautiful human being and I deserve to feel that all the time, from within, to love myself from within all the time. It’s hard but I’m getting better at it.
I want to be strong and find strength in myself, and not feel so little anymore. I mean, I’m a small girl, but that’s irrelevant. I’ve got to love myself more and stop comparing myself to others in every way, and look down on myself. I don’t need to and I definitely deserve better. I’m going through some tough times right now, learning to deal with my mental illness and let go of things that still hurt, but I’ll find strength in that.
There’s this song and video that have been helping me a lot lately. Birdy’s Wild Horses. Not only is the video totally my aesthetic (mermaids!!!!!!!!) but the lyrics really speak to me. It’s becoming my strength song and it’s very important to me.