Time: 12/6/18 @ 8:27am Mood: Bored Music: Florence + the Machine - Heartlines Watching: Nothing Doing: Blogging Song Stuck in Head: NCT 127 - Simon Says / K/DA - POP/STARS Playing: FFIX, KH Days Obsessions: NCT, KH
Name: Blinding Features: Yuna from Final Fantasy X Tools: Adobe Photoshop CS2, Notepad Fonts: Notera, Porcelain, 0b403 or whatever, Century Gothic Lyrics: Florence + The Machine - Blinding Comments: I threw this together in like an hour lmao and it shows. It's not great. It's just a blend of pictures I threw through a filter I made a long time ago and then threw some text on. I was just so inspired by this song and Yuna popped into my mind, and what she might have felt when Tidus had to leave. Though really, the song just means a lot to me, personally, because it describes things that I've been feeling in my life recently. Particularly the 'no more calling like a crow for a boy' and 'no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong one' lines. It just hits me in the heart and I wanted to make something with them, so this happened. I'm just not sure whY when I upload images now they stretch so big lmao like they get ruined I'm so mad about it but if you zoom out to 90% you get something of what it's supposed to look like. Ugh.
Man. I don’t know what’s happening but I felt hypomanic and then I crashed in energy but my mind is still running super fast.
I just feel like, I need to work on a lot of things. It’s overwhelming how many things about myself I don’t like, but what if instead of changing everything about myself I just… learn to accept it. Learn to accept that I’m a bit awkward with strangers. To accept that I look a bit younger, that I’m not good with public speaking, that I’m a bit behind in life. Instead, I gotta learn to just embrace some things and look at the positives about myself. I may be awkward, quiet, and tongue-tied at first but once I get comfortable I can get really deep and I’m even funny sometimes. And I’m a good listener, I’m good at empathizing and understanding other people. That’s why I’m aiming to become a therapist. I don’t know what else to do or how else to be, other than deeply compassionate, listening to people, validating them, empathizing. I’m good at it. I’m also a great writer. I’ve been having fun writing out really ridiculous romance scenarios to amuse myself, and they’re not half bad. My academic writing is also something to brag about, I’m just really proud of my writing skills. Some people are better, yes, and I have a lot to learn still but I have raw, natural talent and if I work on honing it a bit more I can be even better. I’m really good with written word, and maybe it would be an idea to consider doing counseling work online or working for a crisis text hotline at some point. I don’t know. I just now thought of that, so it’s a very green idea but it’s something that maybe I can consider sometime.
But anyway, my looks are a big source of my self esteem issues, too. But. I mean, I like this picture.
Black and white but lmao hey it’s still good.
I look young but most people seem to think I’m 22. Wish I was 22. But I guess it’s not a bad thing to look younger, at least when I’m older I’ll still look young, I guess? I just wish people would take me more seriously, though. But I digress. I need to have confidence in myself, and I mean no, looks aren’t everything, but it helps to like how you look. And I do need to work on that much, just accepting myself. I mean, I’ve got a cute face, nice tits, nice legs, cute ass, I’ve got it. I just want to work on liking myself, inside and out, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all.
As for being behind in life, I can’t… do much about that, but try to catch up at my own pace. I will go to grad school. I will get my own place. I will learn to drive. I will meet someone to at least fuck, I mean, there’s got to be someone out there I can trust enough to get close to that way. It’s not as important as obtaining the freedom and independence that I crave, but it’s on my list, yeah. I’m not looking for a “man to take care of me” I’m looking for someone, anyone, that I can trust and love who will trust and love me back. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask for.
I just. I guess what I want to work on is having confidence. Rather than trying to change every little thing about myself, just… accept my flaws and do my best to do better when I can.
I’m trying my best now to be an adult, make my phone calls, go to my doctor’s appointments, go to physical therapy, it’s tough. But I’m doing the best I can and that’s what’s important. It’s the end of the year so I feel the desire to be lazy and I think I can get away with it. Nothing much to do but rot until the first of the year and then really grind and get my shit together. Get grad school stuff finished, look for apartments, possibly a roommate, work on getting rid of shit, etc. 2019 will be a long year, and even if I don’t get into grad school, I’m still going to work on moving and I will try again. But hopefully, things will work out and I can accomplish shit in 2019. That’s all I want.
So I haven’t posted in a month so I figured it’s time for an update.
I’ve been on new meds for a while now and I had a psych appointment a few days ago. They seem to be working well because I’ve been doing a lot better, all things considered. My life isn’t at the best point right now but I haven’t had a depressive episode in almost two months so I’m pretty happy about that. I’ve been okay, some days happy, some days not so happy, but okay. Stable. That’s all I’ve been asking for.
I’m overwhelmed by school stuff and I go back for my last semester in a week, so I’m feeling pretty antsy. I’m more concerned with grad school and how to make that happen, moving to a new place and all that’s involved there and just, yeah. It’s all confusing and difficult. I’m not that concerned about my classes since I’m taking like creative poetry and personality theory and shit, I think I’m gonna be okay this semester, I’m not worried about it being super stressful even though I know it will be.
I really miss my counselor lately but I’ll be okay with my new therapist. I just have to try to see her more often and build a good relationship with her. She’s really nice and understanding so I think she’ll help me a lot.
Since I stopped doing this at some point, here’s an update of my face
Kira is doing well, too. Too lazy to post a photo of her because I’m terrible but she is good. She’s the only thing that keeps me going some days.
I don’t have much else to say, but I felt I should update this with my more positive progress. And now I leave you with my children, please support them
So, I did manage to get a cat after a whole year of wanting one. And she is super precious. She’s a 5 month old kitten (and already so big lmao she’s so big omg) and she’s a brown/grey tabby with black stripes. She has gorgeous little red markings above her big brown eyes and it just makes me so happy. Kira in general makes me very happy.
(It’s hard to get a good picture of her because 1) she’s super hyper and always moving and 2) lighting in my house sucks. So just deal with my shitty pictures lmao she’s still the most adorable thing ever.)
So, meet Kira. Her hobbies include biting me, biting my phone, eating everything but her cat food, and darting around the house like a banshee and talking. A lot. She’s very vocal lol.
The story goes like this. I went to the shelter asking about kittens and they took me back to where they had all their youngest cats. Kira immediately got my attention. She locked eyes with me and started meowing and being adorable and I just couldn’t say no lmao. I WANTED TO TAKE ALL THE CATS HOME THEY WERE ALL ADORABLE AND VERY CHILL and Kira had a sister in there, too, who was very very chill. Kira was the rowdy one and of course I ended up picking the rowdiest one despite wanting a more calm cat. But I don’t care, Kira and I had that connection, ya know. And she’s very calm when she wants to be lmao she just has lots of energy. But she’s a very good girl and listens when I tell her not to get into something. I just feel bad because I don’t have a lot of energy to keep up with her or play with her for as long as she likes but she does love to snuggle and that makes me SO HAPPY. SO HAPPY.
So idk what else to say, I’m just very elated to have a furbaby again and especially in time for Christmas. She’s my precious Christmas present this year and it’s very fitting that she loves to sit under the Christmas tree and bat at it lol.
My internship took a field trip to the zoo today and I saw some otters. It instantly lifted my mood despite how anxious I was about doing groups and walking a lot. I love otters. There’s no point to me saying this other than, I just. Really. Love otters. LOOK HOW MAJESTIC THEY ARE.
I was happy to feel okay, and to be able to remind myself that I was present and capable of doing all that I needed to do. It’s hard for me to do that, I’m always focusing on what I “should” do and that messes me up, it doesn’t help. Instead, I need to start focusing on what I CAN do, what I WANT to do, and act based upon that. I’m not me otherwise.
I also really liked how I looked today. I added some lipstick and took some random photos because, why not. I have a folder full of selfies from the past couple of years and it makes me happy to have the confidence that I have now, because I never used to have it. I just hope I can translate that confidence into who I am as a person. Sometimes, in some photos, I see me. Others, not so much. It’s an exercise in trying to decipher who I am, I guess. And it’s a struggle.
But I’m working on it. I’m in such a weird place in my life right now but I know it’ll pass. All I can do is keep going. I’ll figure things out as I go.
I spent some time outside today and felt really good. It was gently raining and that’s always nice. And since it’s the 4th, I messed around with those little pop it things and it was kinda fun. Fireworks always get me anxious so I figured I’d just have a little fun on my own, making my own explosion noises, to try to help me cope a little bit. It helped.
I’ve felt pretty okay today generally, but the past few days have been very weird mood-wise. I think I’m in a hypomanic episode because my energy is very high mentally, but my body’s energy is very low so that’s contributing to some restlessness and irritability. It’s all very mild but noticeable, especially in random bouts of hyperactivity and narcissistic-type feelings. Which sounds weird as fuck coming from me but that’s hypomania for you. If that’s what this is. I’m hesitant to say it is because I have no idea but it’s certainly a pointed change in mood and energy level that’s lasting a little while. I’ve felt mixed, too, though, so I don’t know. I’ll talk to my doctor about it soon and hopefully figure out what else can be done med-wise because what I’m on doesn’t seem to be helping.
In any case, I did feel pretty good spending some time outside today, it got some of that energy out in a way that I could manage physically and I took loads of silly selfies, because I could. It wasn’t much but it was enough to make me feel a little better and a little less holed up in the house.
This summer isn’t shaping up to be much of anything, although I did start my internship but right now things are kind of off because of car trouble so… I’m anxious about that but I’ll get it sorted out tomorrow. But next summer I really want to have my license so I can go on drives by myself. Nothing major, just taking a drive out to the river every now and then, going to the bar, hanging out with friends would be nice, too. But I’d really love to devote next summer to myself. I really want to get a tattoo soon, too, but that probably won’t happen until next summer, either. But it’s something to aim for, for sure.
All that said, I’m in an uncomfortable patch in life at the moment but I’m dealing and that’s what matters.
So I got my hair cut the other day and while I miss my long mermaid hair, I really love how it turned out. I felt really good the rest of the day, and I went shopping for some new shorts and got a couple nice things on sale for myself. So, it was a good day and I was feelin myself completely. Days like that are few and far between and short-lived, but always worth noting because I feel like myself when I’m happy. It wasn’t just because of material things and changes to my appearance, although those helped enhance my confidence a lot, it was really a happiness from within and a realization that I am a beautiful person no matter what I look like. I am a beautiful human being and I deserve to feel that all the time, from within, to love myself from within all the time. It’s hard but I’m getting better at it.
I want to be strong and find strength in myself, and not feel so little anymore. I mean, I’m a small girl, but that’s irrelevant. I’ve got to love myself more and stop comparing myself to others in every way, and look down on myself. I don’t need to and I definitely deserve better. I’m going through some tough times right now, learning to deal with my mental illness and let go of things that still hurt, but I’ll find strength in that.
There’s this song and video that have been helping me a lot lately. Birdy’s Wild Horses. Not only is the video totally my aesthetic (mermaids!!!!!!!!) but the lyrics really speak to me. It’s becoming my strength song and it’s very important to me.
Sometimes I really dislike myself. I compare myself to other girls and feel like nothing, in terms of looks and ability among other things. It’s stupid but it’s human and part of the horrific Depression that plagues me. I’m working so hard to overcome it and learn to love myself. And in some moments, I do, fleeting as they are, insignificant and stupid as they may be to others. Deep down, I do. I look at myself sometimes and don’t see a person, but every now and then I see me, and I am a beautiful human being in every way. I won’t let anyone, not even my Depression take that away from me. I fight everyday to keep myself, for myself.
I posted this on Instagram but then deleted it later in the midst of a Depressive episode because I felt that no one cared. But it remained on Tumblr, so I’m posting it here because it’s important.