Man. I don’t know what’s happening but I felt hypomanic and then I crashed in energy but my mind is still running super fast.
I just feel like, I need to work on a lot of things. It’s overwhelming how many things about myself I don’t like, but what if instead of changing everything about myself I just… learn to accept it. Learn to accept that I’m a bit awkward with strangers. To accept that I look a bit younger, that I’m not good with public speaking, that I’m a bit behind in life. Instead, I gotta learn to just embrace some things and look at the positives about myself. I may be awkward, quiet, and tongue-tied at first but once I get comfortable I can get really deep and I’m even funny sometimes. And I’m a good listener, I’m good at empathizing and understanding other people. That’s why I’m aiming to become a therapist. I don’t know what else to do or how else to be, other than deeply compassionate, listening to people, validating them, empathizing. I’m good at it. I’m also a great writer. I’ve been having fun writing out really ridiculous romance scenarios to amuse myself, and they’re not half bad. My academic writing is also something to brag about, I’m just really proud of my writing skills. Some people are better, yes, and I have a lot to learn still but I have raw, natural talent and if I work on honing it a bit more I can be even better. I’m really good with written word, and maybe it would be an idea to consider doing counseling work online or working for a crisis text hotline at some point. I don’t know. I just now thought of that, so it’s a very green idea but it’s something that maybe I can consider sometime.
But anyway, my looks are a big source of my self esteem issues, too. But. I mean, I like this picture.
Black and white but lmao hey it’s still good.
I look young but most people seem to think I’m 22. Wish I was 22. But I guess it’s not a bad thing to look younger, at least when I’m older I’ll still look young, I guess? I just wish people would take me more seriously, though. But I digress. I need to have confidence in myself, and I mean no, looks aren’t everything, but it helps to like how you look. And I do need to work on that much, just accepting myself. I mean, I’ve got a cute face, nice tits, nice legs, cute ass, I’ve got it. I just want to work on liking myself, inside and out, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all.
As for being behind in life, I can’t… do much about that, but try to catch up at my own pace. I will go to grad school. I will get my own place. I will learn to drive. I will meet someone to at least fuck, I mean, there’s got to be someone out there I can trust enough to get close to that way. It’s not as important as obtaining the freedom and independence that I crave, but it’s on my list, yeah. I’m not looking for a “man to take care of me” I’m looking for someone, anyone, that I can trust and love who will trust and love me back. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask for.
I just. I guess what I want to work on is having confidence. Rather than trying to change every little thing about myself, just… accept my flaws and do my best to do better when I can.
I’m trying my best now to be an adult, make my phone calls, go to my doctor’s appointments, go to physical therapy, it’s tough. But I’m doing the best I can and that’s what’s important. It’s the end of the year so I feel the desire to be lazy and I think I can get away with it. Nothing much to do but rot until the first of the year and then really grind and get my shit together. Get grad school stuff finished, look for apartments, possibly a roommate, work on getting rid of shit, etc. 2019 will be a long year, and even if I don’t get into grad school, I’m still going to work on moving and I will try again. But hopefully, things will work out and I can accomplish shit in 2019. That’s all I want.
SO THIS YEAR WAS KIND OF SHIT. But at least there was some good music. Not much, though, I had a hard time putting that playlist together. Not as many jams.
Anyway, I made my serious reflection post so now it’s time for some goal-setting so I can come back and see what I accomplished a year from now. I have a hard time setting goals for myself because I’m really hard on myself for not meeting them all, or even one sometimes, and I want to work on fixing that.
1. Set more goals
Lmao. I need to try to do this so I can be more productive throughout the year. Setting a goal for each month or week or something would be good. Nothing too strenuous, just enough to set things in motion.
2. Write more
I tried writing more in 2017 and did not. I wrote a lot of poetry for my poetry class, some of it was actually good, but I’m talking more journaling and stuff. I want to do more of that this year. I have a special Pokemon journal I bought alst year that I’ve barely used an it’s a CRIME IT IS SUCH A CUTE JOURNAL WITH THE EEVEELUTIONS AND PIKACHU I GOT IT FOR $10 AHHHHHHHHHHSKDFKSDF USE IT MORE LIKE WRITE ONCE A WEEK OR SOMETHING
3. Practice driving
Instead of putting the same goal of GET LICENSE year after year for the past 10 years I’d rather just set a goal to practice now. I have such a phobia of driving that it’s… well, it’s not funny. I just have to work on getting past it. Drive down the street. Drive around the parking lot. Drive around the neighborhood. Etc. I’m educated enough in psychology to know what systematic desensitization is and how to do it to myself, I’ve been doing it for years with my social anxiety, now I gotta do it with driving. Set up some incentives to practice, like if I drive down the street I can go get ice cream or something lmao I’ve got this.
4. Make progress towards getting Ph.D
Awkwardly phrased but eh. Gettign my Ph.D is a longterm goal and I want to at least get closer to it. I applied to two programs this year, so that’s one thing I accomplished in 2017. In 2018 I want to accomplish either getting in to one of those programs or trying again if I don’t get in. Moving is also part of this, as is preparing the house to sell and move. So there’s a lot of subgoals attached to this one but we’ll see how it goes.
5. More therapy
Both physical and mental. I need to start seeing my therapist like every 2-3 weeks if possible. It’s hard not being able to drive and needing a ride out there, especially in winter it’s more difficult, but we’ll see. And physical therapy is super important. I want to build up my muscles and get some strength in this tiny little weak body I have. So we gotta do this. And eat better and more often. Lots of subgoals here, too, but I’ll work that out later.
That’s all I’m gonna do for now. I might edit this post or write out a handwritten list later because that tends to help, to write things down by hand. Makes it more official.
But yeah. 2017 sucked. But let’s see what did I do this year. I graduated college. I went blonde again. I applied to grad schools, took the GRE… I gave a big presentation right after a bad panic attack. I saW STEVIE NICKS LIVE I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALMOST LIKE A DREAM I SAW MY GODDESS LIVE WITH MY OWN EYEBALLS. And idk I just, I survived the year lmao I can’t think of too much. It was a fast year and I accomplished big things even if there were only a handful of them. It was a rough year, but here I am ready for another one.
So I don’t know, I might make another more legit goal post but for now this will do.