Name: Symptoms Features: FFXV's Lunafreya and Noctis Tools: Adobe Photoshop CS3, Notepad Fonts: Idk one is called shorelines, century gothic is another, some small font... Lyrics:SHINee - Symptoms Comments: This took hours of work, mostly of me sitting there staring at Photoshop not knowing what I was doing, but eventually this happened. I was inspired by the song to make a layout with the lyrics, because I love them, and I also wanted to honor Kim Jonghyun's memory by using his lyrics. I chose Luna and Noct because, well, all I care about lately is FFXV sooooooo it made sense. This layout also came out bigger than expected, it looked a lot smaller in Photoshop and then I coded it and AHAHAHA but there's not much I can do about that, so sorry if it looks weird on your computer. I honestly tried. In general, though, I really like this layout. Not my best but there's a lot of feeling there. It was cathartic to make this layout.
I officially graduated college yesterday. Felt weird. I was awkward as fuck, kept saying congratulations back to people congratulating me instead of thank you, didn’t know where to look when they took my picture on stage, no one really clapped or cheered for me, i had to make arrangements to wait at the bottom of the stairs for my spot in line because at rehearsal i caused a big gap in the line because I can’t go down stairs fast. It made me anxious the whole day before graduation lmao but luckily arrangements were made and I didn’t have to worry about it. I knew the girls I sat with, also from the psych department, so that made it easier to be like hey save my spot for me. So it wasn’t too bad. I just feel stupid for being an awkward turtle but I guess it’s endearing lmao I was just nervous and I’m used to saying pleasantries back to people so I just sfsdjfj
But anyway. Some guy talked to me because he was like ‘do u need company waiting down here by urself’ and I was like uhhhhhh I mean he was cute but I apparently didn’t recognize that I knew him lmao I still don’t remember his name, but he was in my poetry class and told me he loved my poetry and still thinks about it and that it has a song-like quality and that I’m really talented. SO. That made me feel happy but also weird lmao like did you save my poetry or something ksdjfksdj But it was nice, I was grateful to hear that my poetry made an impact on someone. I don’t write much anymore, that class kind of drained me, but I am proud of a lot of what I wrote for that class so it was nice to hear someone appreciated it.
But in any event, the ceremony was nice. It was shorter than expected but I have a tiny school so there were only like a couple hundred graduates. I was proud to see some kids graduate because I remember when they were freshmen lol I’m class of 2017 but since I didn’t walk last year and I graduated a semester late I’m officially class of 2018 but that’s okay. I didn’t get to see everyone else I went through hell with graduate but I got to see kids I helped to mentor graduate so it was nice. All in all it’s kind of a blur, I didn’t really want to go, honestly, I only did it because my mom was excited about it and kept saying I’d regret it but skdfjdsk I don’ think I would have lmao but hey I went. I did it.
It’s just a weird feeling of finality, though. Like I won’t be going back now. I saw my mentor, though, she grabbed my arm and was like BRITTANY when I saw her lol So I guess she loves me. She didn’t do that for anyone else and the girl behind me was like wow u must be important. Lmao. So that was a nice feeling, too. But I guess I will miss college. I already miss the routine, the structure, the sense of purpose. I miss the psych lounge. I miss a lot of memories. But it’s all in the past now and despite how some things have turned out, how sour some things became, I’ve got the memories from when they were good. Because things were once very good.
This song sums up my feelings about college, though. Makes me nostalgic and sad.
But it is what it is. Stuff ends, other stuff begins. You move on.
And for me, it looks like I’ve got another door to go through with grad school. I found another university that everyone says is good, they have a good counseling psych master’s program and they’re located close enough to where I won’t have to move far. So I’m seriously considering it. I could get my master’s in counseling psych, get licensed, be a counselor for a few years, and then try for my PhD again when I have more experience under my belt and better letters of recommendation, hopefully, and just more confidence overall. And hopefully better off in a health way, although I don’t count on that. But we’ll see. I want to be a clinical psychologist quite terribly, but I need to be realistic, I guess. And I will try my best to go through all of these decision-making processes as carefully as possible.
I’m restless and bored lately, and lacking energy to do anything, but I’m gonna look into volunteering somewhere and stuff. But we have to figure out our car situation because ours is not in great shape lmao it wasn’t to begin with but we can’t afford to fix everything that’s wrong with it. If we could, it’d be fine, but alas. So that’s a problem that needs fixed asap. I can’t really do anything until we get a new car or get ours fixed somehow lmao both require money we don’t have.
So it’s just, yeah, it’s a weird place I’m in right now. Hopefully soon stuff will start falling together in the right way and I’ll stop feeling useless lmao
I’m still pretty shaken up about Jonghyun. I just can’t wrap my head around what happened. It got me thinking about other things, other losses, and how weird it’s been the past couple of years.
The passage of time has really shaken me up, too. Thinking about SHINee and how it’s been nearly 10 years since they debuted and I remember that time. I remember being a huge SHINee fan around that time and just. I never would’ve guessed that it’d have ended up this way. It’s just so heartbreaking and tragic. And I just wish I could go back to that time, not just for the obvious reasons but just because I miss when I was younger and more optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ve wasted the past 10 years. I feel like I’m behind. I feel emotionally incapable to be 27 years old. It’s so hard to accept how some things have changed while others haven’t. Things that I wanted to change just didn’t, while everything else is changing in ways I don’t like and I’m not ready for any of it. I’m just… not.
I just feel a lot of things. I’ve been getting angry lately over little things. Mostly just… frustration at feeling alone and invisible. I get angry at the people I love for not being there when I need them, even though I do nothing to reach out and ask for help and say, “hey, I’m feeling low right now, can we talk for a bit” or something. So then I just get angry at myself for lashing out and for not doing anything about it, for not taking care of myself, for needing other people, for just… not doing what I should do. I need to work on taking care of myself, and reaching out and asking for help when I need it but knowing that I won’t always get it right when I want it, or at all, even. I try to be there for everyone when they need someone but I’m not there for myself. That needs to change.
Graduating college has left me empty, too. I’m okay right now but in a month it’s going to hit me that I’m not going back. I still feel like I’m going back in a few weeks. It hasn’t hit me yet that it’s over. And while I’m happy, I don’t feel like I’m ready to be done. I am but I’m not. I’m leaving behind a lot of memories and a huge chunk of my life. And if I get rejected to grad school, I mean I’ll take the GRE again and try again but it will get me down, I’m not going to lie. It’s a big loss and I’m trying really hard to accept it now before it hits me later but it’s hard to do. I keep trying to tell myself that hard doesn’t mean impossible, but it’s still what it is.
I don’t know. I’m just trying to accept a lot of changes and I feel like my brain needs rewired, or maybe my soul, I don’t know. I feel like some change has to take place internally. Externally, everything is backwards. Like I said before, things that I don’t want to change are changing while things that I wish would change remain the same. I don’t know how to deal with that. I’m working on finding a way to. I’m working on finding ways to stop feeling so damn down about myself, to overcome those body image issues, to love myself, something… I just don’t know how to find those ways. I only have three emotions at this point, love, anger, and sadness. Also fear. So four. Four emotions that I feel intensely and I feel like I’m always wrong for feeling them. I feel like it’s my fault that I’m mentally ill. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I do. I’m trying to work on overcoming that.
I’m trying. I just fail most times. 2017 has been a year of learning what my inadequacies truly are and trying to find some semblance of hope that maybe I’m good enough in some way. I’m still looking for that hope. I don’t want to put pressure on 2018 to be a better year, and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to have myself all figured out a year from now, because I know it’s not likely to happen. But I do want to go into the new year with some kind of hopefulness that maybe things CAN get better. Not an expectation that they will, but hope that they can.
I had my last day of college classes officially today. It feels weird and surreal and sad and relieving to say that. Like. I’m still not really believing it to be true lmao it hasn’t hit me yet.
It’s been a weird semester and I’m not done yet but I’m almost there. I’m almost graduated, you guys, I can’t believe it.
I talked to my mentor after class today to thank her and give her the good news about being done with classes and she hugged me and thanked me for being a good student and a good person. I wanted to cry lol it’s just so hard to say goodbye to people and it doesn’t hit me until later. I’ll see her again at graduation and if my thesis gets accepted by a research conference but that’s a ways off right now, so.
It’s been a rough year in terms of saying goodbye to people, but that’ll be talked about in another post later on. I’m too emotional to write it now. It’s just been rough saying goodbye to this school and all the memories and people there. I didn’t fit in with the psych group, and everyone I knew has already graduated and it’s all new people now that I never got to know. But it’s still hard and weird to say goodbye to what was my second home for four and a half years.
But, like I said, another post for another time.
I’m just having a hard time processing that it’s almost over. Two more finals and one final project and I’ll be done. I’m almost there.