My brain for the past two weeks:
Lmao not specifically this mashup but these two songs have been on loop since Simon Says came out and I can’t believe someone mashed them up like they were reading my mind.
But like this mashup has actually been on my mind too and I feeeeeeeeeeeeel like I need all three songs mashed together just so I can Die in peace
Goddddddddd pop/stars is just such a good song man i cannot
I’ve been losing my mind quite literally. I’m very tired. I’m very sad. I’m very ready for death. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel an overwhelming sense of…. failure. Lmao.
I just want to get into grad school. I’m afraid that I won’t. I’m afraid I’ll bomb the phone interview and lose my chance. I’m afraid I just won’t be good enough. I’m afraid I won’t even be able to afford it. I’m afraid I won’t even have a place to live. I don’t know, there’s so much in this basket that it’s overflowing and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
But I’m trying to have faith. I’m trying really hard to have hope. I just feel so useless, being 28 and still living at home, not being able to even do much around the house, trying to take care of my mom and not doing a very good job at it, not being able to get a real job to support us and find a way to move out to go to school, I’m just. I’m very worried and I feel like a failure. Everyone else my age is either married or has a good job or travels the world or is at least somewhat self sufficient. I’m not. And I just feel like I’m failing at life because I don’t do anything but minimal housework, physical therapy on a good day, grocery shopping, go to doctor’s appointments, and look at Jaehyun and fuck around on Twitter and Tumblr.
I am too old for all of this. I feel stunted. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and i don’t feel like I have any control over it. I’m tired.
And I still have to write about my trip to LA because at least that made me feel like an independent adult. God.
I don’t know, I’m trying to have faith that my life will work itself out into something that I’m content with. I’m trying really hard.
I need to change the layout, too, but for now I’m just using another old one because Photoshop just sucks on this computer and I can’t get a layout that I really like at the right size. For some reason, every one I make comes out too small or looks all stretched out and ugly. I don’t like that at all lmao so I have to work something out I guess. Not that anyone cares, no one reads this blog and the domain runs out soon so I gotta shell out $30 to do that and ughasldjfdfdfkasdfkjs
EDIT // Ended up throwing a layout together because this song inspired me. It’sk ind of shitty but I like it anyway. I just wish it didn’t fucking stretch out???????????? What the fuck why does that happen is it just my computer lmao??????????? I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT HAPPENS IT LOOKED FINE IN PHOTOSHOP AND WHEN I CODED IT I’M SO MAD
I officially graduated college yesterday. Felt weird. I was awkward as fuck, kept saying congratulations back to people congratulating me instead of thank you, didn’t know where to look when they took my picture on stage, no one really clapped or cheered for me, i had to make arrangements to wait at the bottom of the stairs for my spot in line because at rehearsal i caused a big gap in the line because I can’t go down stairs fast. It made me anxious the whole day before graduation lmao but luckily arrangements were made and I didn’t have to worry about it. I knew the girls I sat with, also from the psych department, so that made it easier to be like hey save my spot for me. So it wasn’t too bad. I just feel stupid for being an awkward turtle but I guess it’s endearing lmao I was just nervous and I’m used to saying pleasantries back to people so I just sfsdjfj
ME: ….. WALKS AWAY
Yeah. That happened.
But anyway. Some guy talked to me because he was like ‘do u need company waiting down here by urself’ and I was like uhhhhhh I mean he was cute but I apparently didn’t recognize that I knew him lmao I still don’t remember his name, but he was in my poetry class and told me he loved my poetry and still thinks about it and that it has a song-like quality and that I’m really talented. SO. That made me feel happy but also weird lmao like did you save my poetry or something ksdjfksdj But it was nice, I was grateful to hear that my poetry made an impact on someone. I don’t write much anymore, that class kind of drained me, but I am proud of a lot of what I wrote for that class so it was nice to hear someone appreciated it.
But in any event, the ceremony was nice. It was shorter than expected but I have a tiny school so there were only like a couple hundred graduates. I was proud to see some kids graduate because I remember when they were freshmen lol I’m class of 2017 but since I didn’t walk last year and I graduated a semester late I’m officially class of 2018 but that’s okay. I didn’t get to see everyone else I went through hell with graduate but I got to see kids I helped to mentor graduate so it was nice. All in all it’s kind of a blur, I didn’t really want to go, honestly, I only did it because my mom was excited about it and kept saying I’d regret it but skdfjdsk I don’ think I would have lmao but hey I went. I did it.
It’s just a weird feeling of finality, though. Like I won’t be going back now. I saw my mentor, though, she grabbed my arm and was like BRITTANY when I saw her lol So I guess she loves me. She didn’t do that for anyone else and the girl behind me was like wow u must be important. Lmao. So that was a nice feeling, too. But I guess I will miss college. I already miss the routine, the structure, the sense of purpose. I miss the psych lounge. I miss a lot of memories. But it’s all in the past now and despite how some things have turned out, how sour some things became, I’ve got the memories from when they were good. Because things were once very good.
This song sums up my feelings about college, though. Makes me nostalgic and sad.
But it is what it is. Stuff ends, other stuff begins. You move on.
And for me, it looks like I’ve got another door to go through with grad school. I found another university that everyone says is good, they have a good counseling psych master’s program and they’re located close enough to where I won’t have to move far. So I’m seriously considering it. I could get my master’s in counseling psych, get licensed, be a counselor for a few years, and then try for my PhD again when I have more experience under my belt and better letters of recommendation, hopefully, and just more confidence overall. And hopefully better off in a health way, although I don’t count on that. But we’ll see. I want to be a clinical psychologist quite terribly, but I need to be realistic, I guess. And I will try my best to go through all of these decision-making processes as carefully as possible.
I’m restless and bored lately, and lacking energy to do anything, but I’m gonna look into volunteering somewhere and stuff. But we have to figure out our car situation because ours is not in great shape lmao it wasn’t to begin with but we can’t afford to fix everything that’s wrong with it. If we could, it’d be fine, but alas. So that’s a problem that needs fixed asap. I can’t really do anything until we get a new car or get ours fixed somehow lmao both require money we don’t have.
So it’s just, yeah, it’s a weird place I’m in right now. Hopefully soon stuff will start falling together in the right way and I’ll stop feeling useless lmao
Filed under: school