I’m still pretty shaken up about Jonghyun. I just can’t wrap my head around what happened. It got me thinking about other things, other losses, and how weird it’s been the past couple of years.
The passage of time has really shaken me up, too. Thinking about SHINee and how it’s been nearly 10 years since they debuted and I remember that time. I remember being a huge SHINee fan around that time and just. I never would’ve guessed that it’d have ended up this way. It’s just so heartbreaking and tragic. And I just wish I could go back to that time, not just for the obvious reasons but just because I miss when I was younger and more optimistic about the future. I feel like I’ve wasted the past 10 years. I feel like I’m behind. I feel emotionally incapable to be 27 years old. It’s so hard to accept how some things have changed while others haven’t. Things that I wanted to change just didn’t, while everything else is changing in ways I don’t like and I’m not ready for any of it. I’m just… not.
I just feel a lot of things. I’ve been getting angry lately over little things. Mostly just… frustration at feeling alone and invisible. I get angry at the people I love for not being there when I need them, even though I do nothing to reach out and ask for help and say, “hey, I’m feeling low right now, can we talk for a bit” or something. So then I just get angry at myself for lashing out and for not doing anything about it, for not taking care of myself, for needing other people, for just… not doing what I should do. I need to work on taking care of myself, and reaching out and asking for help when I need it but knowing that I won’t always get it right when I want it, or at all, even. I try to be there for everyone when they need someone but I’m not there for myself. That needs to change.
Graduating college has left me empty, too. I’m okay right now but in a month it’s going to hit me that I’m not going back. I still feel like I’m going back in a few weeks. It hasn’t hit me yet that it’s over. And while I’m happy, I don’t feel like I’m ready to be done. I am but I’m not. I’m leaving behind a lot of memories and a huge chunk of my life. And if I get rejected to grad school, I mean I’ll take the GRE again and try again but it will get me down, I’m not going to lie. It’s a big loss and I’m trying really hard to accept it now before it hits me later but it’s hard to do. I keep trying to tell myself that hard doesn’t mean impossible, but it’s still what it is.
I don’t know. I’m just trying to accept a lot of changes and I feel like my brain needs rewired, or maybe my soul, I don’t know. I feel like some change has to take place internally. Externally, everything is backwards. Like I said before, things that I don’t want to change are changing while things that I wish would change remain the same. I don’t know how to deal with that. I’m working on finding a way to. I’m working on finding ways to stop feeling so damn down about myself, to overcome those body image issues, to love myself, something… I just don’t know how to find those ways. I only have three emotions at this point, love, anger, and sadness. Also fear. So four. Four emotions that I feel intensely and I feel like I’m always wrong for feeling them. I feel like it’s my fault that I’m mentally ill. I feel like it’s my fault that I feel the way I do. I’m trying to work on overcoming that.
I’m trying. I just fail most times. 2017 has been a year of learning what my inadequacies truly are and trying to find some semblance of hope that maybe I’m good enough in some way. I’m still looking for that hope. I don’t want to put pressure on 2018 to be a better year, and I don’t want to put pressure on myself to have myself all figured out a year from now, because I know it’s not likely to happen. But I do want to go into the new year with some kind of hopefulness that maybe things CAN get better. Not an expectation that they will, but hope that they can.
I had my last day of college classes officially today. It feels weird and surreal and sad and relieving to say that. Like. I’m still not really believing it to be true lmao it hasn’t hit me yet.
It’s been a weird semester and I’m not done yet but I’m almost there. I’m almost graduated, you guys, I can’t believe it.
I talked to my mentor after class today to thank her and give her the good news about being done with classes and she hugged me and thanked me for being a good student and a good person. I wanted to cry lol it’s just so hard to say goodbye to people and it doesn’t hit me until later. I’ll see her again at graduation and if my thesis gets accepted by a research conference but that’s a ways off right now, so.
It’s been a rough year in terms of saying goodbye to people, but that’ll be talked about in another post later on. I’m too emotional to write it now. It’s just been rough saying goodbye to this school and all the memories and people there. I didn’t fit in with the psych group, and everyone I knew has already graduated and it’s all new people now that I never got to know. But it’s still hard and weird to say goodbye to what was my second home for four and a half years.
But, like I said, another post for another time.
I’m just having a hard time processing that it’s almost over. Two more finals and one final project and I’ll be done. I’m almost there.
I’m almost there.
Filed under: school
So I’m off to a gr8 start keeping this blog active like I wanted to this year. I haven’t been journaling much at all lately. I just haven’t felt up to writing, much less anything to write about. But I’ll try. I might try jsut doing monthly blogs if I can’t bring myself to write individual ones more often idk, I just want to try to keep writing. It’s all I’ve got, really.
But anyway, so far the Abilify is working pretty well. My doctor increased it to 10mg and it was making me shaky but it’s gone away now. The restless fatigue bullshit has gone, too, so that’s good. I’ve been a lot more mentally and emotionally stable which is good, but school has been making me super stressed so… that’s great. I’m just very tired and burnt out. Like… I have all the symptoms of burnout and all I want to do is sleep, I am so tired of everything. And now that I’m finding some sense of mental stability for the most part I just want to live my life instead of being bogged down by stress. But I don’t even know what I can DO to live my life tbh lmao. I just feel really alone and out of place when I’m at school and then I come home to piles of homework and stress about shit to come. Idk. I just really want to run away and start over sometimes. Sell all my shit and move far away. That kind of daydreamy bullshit lmao.
I just really can’t wait to be done with undergrad and hopefully be able to go on to grad school. I’ve got to start planning out what I’m gonna do if I can’t get financial aid to pay for it, or at least help. Like if I can’t get a fellowship or whatever, I’ll have to start looking for a job but it’d have to be one that I can actually do with my disabilities and one that will pay well enough for me to go off of disability and lsdjfsldlfja it’s. It’s frustrating and difficult and I don’t want to think about this right now.
Anyway, we got Kira spayed and that went okay. She has a tattoo in her ear because apparently they do that now lmao so that annoys me but it’s okay. It healed up well, as have her stitches and she’s back to her speed racer self. But I had to take her to the vet for other reasons unrelated to the spay. She had a fall and landed on her left hip and kept limping but the vet said there was no injury, just that she has something called patellar luxation, which is a birth defect that causes the kneecap to go out of place at times and that the fall may have just exacerbated it. But it’s a permanent condition and she will limp when it goes out of place and be in some pain until she learns to manage to get it back in place. But she seems to be doing okay, we have pain meds for when it gets too bad but she’s been okay since the vet visit. So that’s just something we have to deal with and surgery is an option later on if it gets worse or becomes really bothersome. So I’ll keep that in mind, I would just rather it not come to that.
Other than that there is really nothing going on. I’m just tired of school and tired of my house and tired in general and I really want this year to be done with. I’m ready for 2018 already because then I will be done with everything and in a new chapter of my life and I’m more than ready for that right now. It’s just more waiting games and this semester is going to be grueling and keeping my shit in perspective is hard. It’s just a semester and it’ll all be over by May and hopefully I’ll be able to walk at graduation and get to go back next semester for a couple classes to get my full 120 credits (because I’m 4 short still lmfao 4 jfc) and and
And the best thing
I get to see Stevie Nicks in March. OHHHH MY GODDDDDD I AM SO EXCITED IT’S ALL I’M LIVING FOR AT THIS POINT JUST TO HEAR STEVIE’S VOICE IN MY EARS LIVE I AM SO PSYCHED. Like the week after the show is a grueling one with my thesis presentation and then a group presentation for my religion class and exams and papers due and shit buT BUT. BEFORE ALL THAT I GET TO SEE STEVIE AND CRY MY EYES OUT AND CRY AND SING EVERYTHING OUT AND I AM SO EXCITED. I just ahhhh I can’t wait. It’s making everything worthwhile. I’M DOIN IT FOR STEVIE.
Also I really need a new layout. I love this one but I want a colorful one. I might just use an old one for a bit because lol time like I have time to make a new one like I really want to. Sobs.