Filed under: vent
I’m trying not to fall into a pit of despair over the fact that I just graduated college and I’m doing nothing with my life right now. I have no real job, other than taking care of my mom and the house which IS a job in itself and not one that I do well lmao, but I still live at home, I do nothing every day but sit around saying I’ll do things that I never do, feel miserable at the end of each day because I’m a useless piece of shit, aaaaaaaand repeat it all again the next day.
I’m tired of this.
Part of it is executive dysfunction, actually most of it is, brought on by post-grad depression. So even shit that I WANT to do? I don’t do. Lmao. Study Korean, nope. Watch some shows, nope. Clean, nope. I am just tired all the time and it’s safe to say that I basically just want to go back to sleep at any given point in time. I wouldn’t even get out of bed if my mom didn’t need me. Sure, there’s physical therapy but there’s issues with that rn. Basically my physical therapist is an idiot so I switched to a different one and have to go through the evaluation process all over again and ugh. I don’t want to lmao. I start up again on Monday but yeah, I just. I hope maybe once I start going again, I’ll have a sense of routine again. I’ll get out three days a week and have something to work on and do. But other than that I need to get off of my ass and do something with the house. My bed is a total wreck in itself, just… I look at it and I’m like no wonder I am miserable when there is nothing but pill bottles and empty water bottles and cereal boxes and shit all over the place?????? And clothes and junk in boxes all over my room that I need to go through and sort out. But yeah. I’m a mess. My whole life is a mess right now.
I guess in the coming months things will sort themselves out. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and acknowledge that I’m suffering from symptoms of my conditions. It doesn’t help that it’s freezing outside and we don’t have a functioning furnace so it’s always cold. If it were warm outside I’d have less issues with doing things but because it’s always cold I am always in pain and always tired and unwilling to leave my warm bedroom. But it is miserable being stuck in here all day, every day, with no contact with anyone outside of my mother and the internet lmao. I just.
I had hoped for a lot more for myself by this age.
But I need to work through those expectations and accept that I am in limbo right now. I won’t know where my life is headed until April and I don’t know where I’m going to be in a few months or what’s going to happen or anything and it’s fucking terrifying. My life is going to go from this stagnant nothingness to fast-paced busy as shit overnight and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I just. I’m scared, really.
I don’t know, man, I’m just feeling down tonight. I’m gonna find something to eat and rest and maybe force myself to watch a show or something and see if I get sucked in and maybe pass the time faster that way. Idk.