I’m trying not to fall into a pit of despair over the fact that I just graduated college and I’m doing nothing with my life right now. I have no real job, other than taking care of my mom and the house which IS a job in itself and not one that I do well lmao, but I still live at home, I do nothing every day but sit around saying I’ll do things that I never do, feel miserable at the end of each day because I’m a useless piece of shit, aaaaaaaand repeat it all again the next day.
I’m tired of this.
Part of it is executive dysfunction, actually most of it is, brought on by post-grad depression. So even shit that I WANT to do? I don’t do. Lmao. Study Korean, nope. Watch some shows, nope. Clean, nope. I am just tired all the time and it’s safe to say that I basically just want to go back to sleep at any given point in time. I wouldn’t even get out of bed if my mom didn’t need me. Sure, there’s physical therapy but there’s issues with that rn. Basically my physical therapist is an idiot so I switched to a different one and have to go through the evaluation process all over again and ugh. I don’t want to lmao. I start up again on Monday but yeah, I just. I hope maybe once I start going again, I’ll have a sense of routine again. I’ll get out three days a week and have something to work on and do. But other than that I need to get off of my ass and do something with the house. My bed is a total wreck in itself, just… I look at it and I’m like no wonder I am miserable when there is nothing but pill bottles and empty water bottles and cereal boxes and shit all over the place?????? And clothes and junk in boxes all over my room that I need to go through and sort out. But yeah. I’m a mess. My whole life is a mess right now.
I guess in the coming months things will sort themselves out. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and acknowledge that I’m suffering from symptoms of my conditions. It doesn’t help that it’s freezing outside and we don’t have a functioning furnace so it’s always cold. If it were warm outside I’d have less issues with doing things but because it’s always cold I am always in pain and always tired and unwilling to leave my warm bedroom. But it is miserable being stuck in here all day, every day, with no contact with anyone outside of my mother and the internet lmao. I just.
I had hoped for a lot more for myself by this age.
But I need to work through those expectations and accept that I am in limbo right now. I won’t know where my life is headed until April and I don’t know where I’m going to be in a few months or what’s going to happen or anything and it’s fucking terrifying. My life is going to go from this stagnant nothingness to fast-paced busy as shit overnight and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I just. I’m scared, really.
I don’t know, man, I’m just feeling down tonight. I’m gonna find something to eat and rest and maybe force myself to watch a show or something and see if I get sucked in and maybe pass the time faster that way. Idk.
I read some old blog entries and got smacked in the face with nostalgia and just… a lot of feelings. There are things I miss about 9-10 years ago, and there are things that I don’t miss. But I do miss being more carefree and happy and finding happiness in things and not being so lonely all the time and relying on social media to relieve that loneliness. I mean, I was lonely, but I was okay with solitude. Now it just scares me.
I can see now that I had hypomanic episodes even back then, though, but I didn’t think much of it. So it’s weird to think that maybe I could’ve gotten help back then if I had paid attention, but nothing was bad enough that it was a detriment to my daily functioning like it is now so. I mean, my depression was bad but I was able to control it whereas now it’s very hard. College and everything I’ve been through in the past four and a half year just lent itself to worsening my mental health, whereas back then I had my problems but I was more… I don’t know. More resilient, somehow. There are things I didn’t talk about and things I kept hidden, I know, but I tried so hard to be happy. SHINee made me so happy and got me through a lot of tough times and that’s why the loss of Jonghyun hits so hard.
But aside from that, I learned that I really… need to take responsibility for my own happiness and well-being. I can’t keep giving people more than I get from them. I can’t keep pining for people who don’t pine for me. I can’t keep hurting myself for not being where I wanted to be by this age. I just can’t keep doing this. I have to move on from some things and leave them in the past where they belong. I can’t keep dragging that baggage with me everywhere I go. Some things have just changed and there’s no going back to how things were. That’s just how it is. I can either dwell on those losses or I can accept it and hold out hope for a better future. Things look bleak right now, I’m very pessimistic about the future, but I’m capable of overcoming that and holding onto hope. I just have to learn how to do that again.
I really miss how things were before so many things changed. But I just can’t keep wading in that dark water. I have my regrets and I have things that I’m proud of. Just like everyone else. There’s no use in lamenting what’s lost, because some things there is just no getting back. And I have to learn how to be okay with that. There is still hope for some things but it just… some things are worth holding out hope for, while others just keep me in an unhealthy cycle clinging to false hope. And I can’t do that, either. I have to accept what’s lost and what’s different and cherish what I still have while cherishing the past in a way that doesn’t leave me dwelling on what went wrong. I know what went wrong in a lot of cases, and there’s no fixing it. There are things I can’t talk about, things I can’t discuss with other parties involved, and that’s a sure sign that something is flawed in those relationships and that they’re probably not worth trying to salvage beyond their current state. So I have to resign to that and let it go. I’m just hurting myself by clinging to the sharp fragments of memories that are long gone now.
I just really need to move on and I hope that in 2018, I can do that. That’s my goal. Move on from some things. Hold out hope and don’t give up on my dreams. I’ve been very pessimistic about getting into grad school and I’m honestly just tempting fate here. If I don’t start having a positive outlook then I might just tempt the universe into being like welp maybe you don’t want it bad enough. Maybe you aren’t going to try hard enough. I my not get into my dream school, I may not get into my last resort choice, I don’t know. But I can always try again. I can take the GRE again and devote my time to figuring out all that tough math, read more, try harder. Keep applying until I get in. I just can’t give up on my dream, like there’s a lot that I’m not good at, there are a lot of ways that I’m inadequate, but I have the heart and the soul and the drive to keep going and realize my dream. Even if I don’t get my Ph.D, I can still go into clinical mental health counseling. I can still be a therapist even if the Ph.D dream doesn’t come true. But by damn, I will try my hardest to make it come true.
And that’s all I got. I’m just very thoughtful. Holidays do that to me, this weird space between Christmas and New Year’s always does this to me. But it’s important. I just have to start putting things more into practice than into words.