my life has been… really imbalanced. on one hand, i’ve had a lot of traumatic life experiences. i have very poor physical and mental health, and i have for as long as i can remember. and i feel that that’s a huge part of what’s held me back, why i lack a lot of more “normal” life experience. i’ve never been out on a date, never had a real relationship, never had sex, never had a job because of my health, i still live at home with my mom at 28, it’s all just… really depressing.
but that lack of experience is due, in large part, to my poor health and the trauma of having to drop everything to take care of my sick and very abusive grandmother, because the adults in my family preferred not to and left my mother and i alone in the task. so i was homebound in high school for my last two years for all of those reasons. so no, i didn’t go to homecoming. i didn’t go to prom. i was never asked out on a date because i missed so much school that i became more of a joke than a person. i had a couple of opportunities to date but my family sabotaged them.
and i wasn’t able to get a job, although i did do data entry as a volunteer job for one summer. that’s it. that’s all i’ve got. i’ve really got nothing else in that regard, aside from taking care of my mother and being her maid, servant, stenographer, personal assistant, and nurse. not that i mind, it’s been my life since i was little, but it’s all i do. i’m a caretaker. but i don’t know, i feel like that falls under the more abnormal life experiences that i have. it’s helped me to become a nurturing person but i don’t know. it’s all complicated and, tbh, fucked up.
i just really want to break out of my shell and be more independent. i have said this numerous times. i want to gain experience, i want to feel like i am my age, nearly 28 years old with little to show for it. i don’t know. maybe i’m just whiny. maybe it’s normal for my generation.
i feel like… if i want to start dating, which i do, i will run into this problem of meeting people my age who want to settle down and start a family. which i don’t want yet. and if i go for someone younger, they’re likely not going to want an older woman with no experience lmao so. i don’t know i don’t think i can really win? maybe i’m just putting it in too stark of terms, not everyone is the same, not everyone wants marriage and family. and maybe i’d want that in a few years but i don’t know yet. i just know that i want to feel like an experienced, independent 28-year-old woman and right now i really don’t.
So I’m thinking, I really dislike my life. I’m not happy with where I’m at. The house is a wreck. I can’t drive. I’m not in school. I can’t work. I have no energy to do anything ever. My emotions are pretty much turned off for the time being. Yeah.
I’m just not happy. And I figure, okay, well, what can I do to change my circumstances? Try my best to clean the house. Little by little. I’ll make a list. A functional analysis, if you will, of all the things I have to do but broken into small, do-able tasks. But then I do that and get overwhelmed. So.
I can take small steps to learn to drive. Explore the car. Sit in the driver’s seat with the car turned off. Feel it out. I can do that without panicking. But as soon as the car turns on I’m like oh shit. I’ve really got to work on this. But seeing as my mom is the one who needs to teach me, it’s all kind of in the air and dependent upon her health how often we can practice and whatnot. So. I’m kinda stuck. Plus the car is still new and she needs to familiarize herself with it more, too. But it’s been too hot out to go anywhere, really. Or to practice. And the parking lot down the street is a fucking madhouse so it’s like, how am I supposed to learn there when there are cars coming in at every direction, people walking in and out of stores at the shopping center, etc. I don’t know. It’s all overwhelming.
I could just… do anything. I could study Japanese. I could play a video game. I could do anything I want to do. But I just sit here doing nothing all day because I have no energy an then feel guilty using what little energy I have to do something fun instead of doing something productive. So.
It’s all a mess. An overwhelming, guilt-ridden mess. I don’t know how to fix this.
I can’t do anything about school until January. Don’t even know if I’ll get my letters of rec because it’s too early to ask. Ah.
SO I DON’T KNOW.
I’m just stuck right now is what I’m saying. I can’t do much to change my situation and life circumstances. Not right now anyway.
I just feel like a loser lmao I’m going to be 28 next month but I’m just… stuck like this. No job. No freedom. No independence. No school. No significant other. No energy. No nothing. Ugh.
I guess I’ll just try to work on not getting overwhelmed and just try to push through the lack of energy to get things done. I guess that’s where I start.