I haven’t posted since July and that makes me sad. I was trying really hard to keep up with the positives in my life so I could have a place to go to to remind me of the good things, but unfortunately that isn’t quite working out.
So, along with a much darker change of layout, this blog is now a vent and recovery blog. Positive recovery entries will still be posted and the established formats will remain (photo of the day, letters, self love posts, etc.) but some not-so-positive stuff will be posted as well, and most likely kept private. Because ultimately, this is a space for me to document the ups and downs in my recovery, to use as a tool to help me towards my goal of recovery. This year has not been kind to me and I am going to talk about those things in a safe, designated environment to help me gain some insight and closure on things. I used to blog regularly for years and then I stopped, and I feel that when I did that, I lost a very important coping mechanism.
So, yeah, welcome to the new blog. Password-protected entries will frequently occur and the passwords will be given only to those I wish to read those particular entries. They will not be freely given. But as this is a space for me and not others’ enjoyment anyway, I don’t see this being a problem.
In any case, this has been an update and hopefully I will get more use out of this blog than I was before.
Filed under: updates
My internship took a field trip to the zoo today and I saw some otters. It instantly lifted my mood despite how anxious I was about doing groups and walking a lot. I love otters. There’s no point to me saying this other than, I just. Really. Love otters. LOOK HOW MAJESTIC THEY ARE.
I was happy to feel okay, and to be able to remind myself that I was present and capable of doing all that I needed to do. It’s hard for me to do that, I’m always focusing on what I “should” do and that messes me up, it doesn’t help. Instead, I need to start focusing on what I CAN do, what I WANT to do, and act based upon that. I’m not me otherwise.
I also really liked how I looked today. I added some lipstick and took some random photos because, why not. I have a folder full of selfies from the past couple of years and it makes me happy to have the confidence that I have now, because I never used to have it. I just hope I can translate that confidence into who I am as a person. Sometimes, in some photos, I see me. Others, not so much. It’s an exercise in trying to decipher who I am, I guess. And it’s a struggle.
But I’m working on it. I’m in such a weird place in my life right now but I know it’ll pass. All I can do is keep going. I’ll figure things out as I go.
I spent some time outside today and felt really good. It was gently raining and that’s always nice. And since it’s the 4th, I messed around with those little pop it things and it was kinda fun. Fireworks always get me anxious so I figured I’d just have a little fun on my own, making my own explosion noises, to try to help me cope a little bit. It helped.
I’ve felt pretty okay today generally, but the past few days have been very weird mood-wise. I think I’m in a hypomanic episode because my energy is very high mentally, but my body’s energy is very low so that’s contributing to some restlessness and irritability. It’s all very mild but noticeable, especially in random bouts of hyperactivity and narcissistic-type feelings. Which sounds weird as fuck coming from me but that’s hypomania for you. If that’s what this is. I’m hesitant to say it is because I have no idea but it’s certainly a pointed change in mood and energy level that’s lasting a little while. I’ve felt mixed, too, though, so I don’t know. I’ll talk to my doctor about it soon and hopefully figure out what else can be done med-wise because what I’m on doesn’t seem to be helping.
In any case, I did feel pretty good spending some time outside today, it got some of that energy out in a way that I could manage physically and I took loads of silly selfies, because I could. It wasn’t much but it was enough to make me feel a little better and a little less holed up in the house.
This summer isn’t shaping up to be much of anything, although I did start my internship but right now things are kind of off because of car trouble so… I’m anxious about that but I’ll get it sorted out tomorrow. But next summer I really want to have my license so I can go on drives by myself. Nothing major, just taking a drive out to the river every now and then, going to the bar, hanging out with friends would be nice, too. But I’d really love to devote next summer to myself. I really want to get a tattoo soon, too, but that probably won’t happen until next summer, either. But it’s something to aim for, for sure.
All that said, I’m in an uncomfortable patch in life at the moment but I’m dealing and that’s what matters.
And now, for my summer jam.
So I got my hair cut the other day and while I miss my long mermaid hair, I really love how it turned out. I felt really good the rest of the day, and I went shopping for some new shorts and got a couple nice things on sale for myself. So, it was a good day and I was feelin myself completely. Days like that are few and far between and short-lived, but always worth noting because I feel like myself when I’m happy. It wasn’t just because of material things and changes to my appearance, although those helped enhance my confidence a lot, it was really a happiness from within and a realization that I am a beautiful person no matter what I look like. I am a beautiful human being and I deserve to feel that all the time, from within, to love myself from within all the time. It’s hard but I’m getting better at it.
I want to be strong and find strength in myself, and not feel so little anymore. I mean, I’m a small girl, but that’s irrelevant. I’ve got to love myself more and stop comparing myself to others in every way, and look down on myself. I don’t need to and I definitely deserve better. I’m going through some tough times right now, learning to deal with my mental illness and let go of things that still hurt, but I’ll find strength in that.
There’s this song and video that have been helping me a lot lately. Birdy’s Wild Horses. Not only is the video totally my aesthetic (mermaids!!!!!!!!) but the lyrics really speak to me. It’s becoming my strength song and it’s very important to me.
Take up space. Don’t be afraid to spread out a little more, stretch, take up space, don’t apologize for it. You’ve spent so much of your life making yourself smaller to allow other people to have more room and it’s time to stop. Take up your own space and don’t apologize. You are a human being and you deserve to take up space and call it your own.
And don’t say you don’t belong anywhere. You belong anywhere you are, everywhere you go, you belong. Maybe people don’t know you well enough to include you in activities, maybe you feel strange in certain places, but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong or that you’re unworthy.
Take up space. It belongs to you.
You are beautiful.
You don’t need anyone to tell you that. You are beautiful in more than one way. You are beautiful in ways that are all your own. Comparing your beauty to that of other girls isn’t going to do anything but make you miserable. Comparison is toxic, and although it’s human to do it, it doesn’t make it any less harmful. Everyone is different, everyone is worthy of love and good things, and everyone has something different to offer to the world. Don’t compare what you have to what others have, because it’s not any more or less than what anyone else has, it’s just different. And that’s how it should be.
Outer beauty is just one small aspect of who you are, too, but that’s not the issue here. You know this already. And it’s okay to love yourself and your beauty. It’s okay to be proud of how you look and to revel in it. You don’t owe it to anyone to be modest, and there is a difference between being vain and being confident. Confidence is a good thing and it comes from loving yourself and who you are, first and foremost. So don’t worry about that. You aren’t vain for saying you’re beautiful; you’re honest.
So, again, you are beautiful and you don’t need anyone to tell you that. Tell yourself, everyday, and know that you’re beautiful in many ways that are all your own.