My internship took a field trip to the zoo today and I saw some otters. It instantly lifted my mood despite how anxious I was about doing groups and walking a lot. I love otters. There’s no point to me saying this other than, I just. Really. Love otters. LOOK HOW MAJESTIC THEY ARE.
I was happy to feel okay, and to be able to remind myself that I was present and capable of doing all that I needed to do. It’s hard for me to do that, I’m always focusing on what I “should” do and that messes me up, it doesn’t help. Instead, I need to start focusing on what I CAN do, what I WANT to do, and act based upon that. I’m not me otherwise.
I also really liked how I looked today. I added some lipstick and took some random photos because, why not. I have a folder full of selfies from the past couple of years and it makes me happy to have the confidence that I have now, because I never used to have it. I just hope I can translate that confidence into who I am as a person. Sometimes, in some photos, I see me. Others, not so much. It’s an exercise in trying to decipher who I am, I guess. And it’s a struggle.
But I’m working on it. I’m in such a weird place in my life right now but I know it’ll pass. All I can do is keep going. I’ll figure things out as I go.
I spent some time outside today and felt really good. It was gently raining and that’s always nice. And since it’s the 4th, I messed around with those little pop it things and it was kinda fun. Fireworks always get me anxious so I figured I’d just have a little fun on my own, making my own explosion noises, to try to help me cope a little bit. It helped.
I’ve felt pretty okay today generally, but the past few days have been very weird mood-wise. I think I’m in a hypomanic episode because my energy is very high mentally, but my body’s energy is very low so that’s contributing to some restlessness and irritability. It’s all very mild but noticeable, especially in random bouts of hyperactivity and narcissistic-type feelings. Which sounds weird as fuck coming from me but that’s hypomania for you. If that’s what this is. I’m hesitant to say it is because I have no idea but it’s certainly a pointed change in mood and energy level that’s lasting a little while. I’ve felt mixed, too, though, so I don’t know. I’ll talk to my doctor about it soon and hopefully figure out what else can be done med-wise because what I’m on doesn’t seem to be helping.
In any case, I did feel pretty good spending some time outside today, it got some of that energy out in a way that I could manage physically and I took loads of silly selfies, because I could. It wasn’t much but it was enough to make me feel a little better and a little less holed up in the house.
This summer isn’t shaping up to be much of anything, although I did start my internship but right now things are kind of off because of car trouble so… I’m anxious about that but I’ll get it sorted out tomorrow. But next summer I really want to have my license so I can go on drives by myself. Nothing major, just taking a drive out to the river every now and then, going to the bar, hanging out with friends would be nice, too. But I’d really love to devote next summer to myself. I really want to get a tattoo soon, too, but that probably won’t happen until next summer, either. But it’s something to aim for, for sure.
All that said, I’m in an uncomfortable patch in life at the moment but I’m dealing and that’s what matters.
And now, for my summer jam.
So I got my hair cut the other day and while I miss my long mermaid hair, I really love how it turned out. I felt really good the rest of the day, and I went shopping for some new shorts and got a couple nice things on sale for myself. So, it was a good day and I was feelin myself completely. Days like that are few and far between and short-lived, but always worth noting because I feel like myself when I’m happy. It wasn’t just because of material things and changes to my appearance, although those helped enhance my confidence a lot, it was really a happiness from within and a realization that I am a beautiful person no matter what I look like. I am a beautiful human being and I deserve to feel that all the time, from within, to love myself from within all the time. It’s hard but I’m getting better at it.
I want to be strong and find strength in myself, and not feel so little anymore. I mean, I’m a small girl, but that’s irrelevant. I’ve got to love myself more and stop comparing myself to others in every way, and look down on myself. I don’t need to and I definitely deserve better. I’m going through some tough times right now, learning to deal with my mental illness and let go of things that still hurt, but I’ll find strength in that.
There’s this song and video that have been helping me a lot lately. Birdy’s Wild Horses. Not only is the video totally my aesthetic (mermaids!!!!!!!!) but the lyrics really speak to me. It’s becoming my strength song and it’s very important to me.
Take up space. Don’t be afraid to spread out a little more, stretch, take up space, don’t apologize for it. You’ve spent so much of your life making yourself smaller to allow other people to have more room and it’s time to stop. Take up your own space and don’t apologize. You are a human being and you deserve to take up space and call it your own.
And don’t say you don’t belong anywhere. You belong anywhere you are, everywhere you go, you belong. Maybe people don’t know you well enough to include you in activities, maybe you feel strange in certain places, but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong or that you’re unworthy.
Take up space. It belongs to you.
You are beautiful.
You don’t need anyone to tell you that. You are beautiful in more than one way. You are beautiful in ways that are all your own. Comparing your beauty to that of other girls isn’t going to do anything but make you miserable. Comparison is toxic, and although it’s human to do it, it doesn’t make it any less harmful. Everyone is different, everyone is worthy of love and good things, and everyone has something different to offer to the world. Don’t compare what you have to what others have, because it’s not any more or less than what anyone else has, it’s just different. And that’s how it should be.
Outer beauty is just one small aspect of who you are, too, but that’s not the issue here. You know this already. And it’s okay to love yourself and your beauty. It’s okay to be proud of how you look and to revel in it. You don’t owe it to anyone to be modest, and there is a difference between being vain and being confident. Confidence is a good thing and it comes from loving yourself and who you are, first and foremost. So don’t worry about that. You aren’t vain for saying you’re beautiful; you’re honest.
So, again, you are beautiful and you don’t need anyone to tell you that. Tell yourself, everyday, and know that you’re beautiful in many ways that are all your own.
1. Stop apologizing
2. Stop comparing
3. Keep working
4. One day at a time
5. Breathe – 4 in, 8 out
6. Be patient
7. Ask for help – don’t demand
8. No expectations
9. Appreciate more
10. Stop apologizing
11. Don’t hurt yourself because you’re hurting
12. Art, do more art
13. Dress up
14. Take walks
15. Get ten minutes of sun every day
16. Stop apologizing
17. Let go of what hurts
18. Leave the past in the past
19. Take photographs
20. STOP APOLOGIZING
Decided I felt better having my recovery blog on a separate subdomain. It feels safer and more homey to me somehow, always has, rather than having it right there on the main site. So yeah. We’re here now!
And well I haven’t been doing too great. The meds are helping but I feel like I’ve been in a mixed state for a few days. Mildly so, but it’s like I’m hyper-focused and energetic and have tons of ideas and get super productive and creative, then I crash into a depression after being sort of numb but feeling everything all at once for a short period in between. I don’t know. It’s something I’ll talk to my pdoc about next week when I see him.
Other than that, I did a sun spell yesterday to promote positivity. Kinda worked, kinda didn’t, gonna try again tomorrow when I’m hopefully feeling better.
I’ve just been working on setting up my layout portfolio on the main site and cleaning up around the house and sleeping. That’s really all my life is at the moment. I need to get my internship set up but the woman I need to speak to wasn’t in today so I’ll just keep trying.
All that said, I’m gonna work on a new layout now that looking at my old one has given me some inspiration. For now, this one will do since I didn’t even really use it for long
Last night I didn’t do so well, but I’m feeling better today. I took a walk since it’s nice out and it cheered me up. I bought dinner and some candles so that made a huge difference.
Also, my eye makeup looks great today
Eyyyy. Pretty happy about it. Makeup makes me happy.
The day isn’t over yet and I still feel that sadness looming over me but at least I got out today and had some little fun moments. Hopefully I’ll have more fun things to talk about in future updates.
Sometimes I really dislike myself. I compare myself to other girls and feel like nothing, in terms of looks and ability among other things. It’s stupid but it’s human and part of the horrific Depression that plagues me. I’m working so hard to overcome it and learn to love myself. And in some moments, I do, fleeting as they are, insignificant and stupid as they may be to others. Deep down, I do. I look at myself sometimes and don’t see a person, but every now and then I see me, and I am a beautiful human being in every way. I won’t let anyone, not even my Depression take that away from me. I fight everyday to keep myself, for myself.
I posted this on Instagram but then deleted it later in the midst of a Depressive episode because I felt that no one cared. But it remained on Tumblr, so I’m posting it here because it’s important.