my life has been… really imbalanced. on one hand, i’ve had a lot of traumatic life experiences. i have very poor physical and mental health, and i have for as long as i can remember. and i feel that that’s a huge part of what’s held me back, why i lack a lot of more “normal” life experience. i’ve never been out on a date, never had a real relationship, never had sex, never had a job because of my health, i still live at home with my mom at 28, it’s all just… really depressing.
but that lack of experience is due, in large part, to my poor health and the trauma of having to drop everything to take care of my sick and very abusive grandmother, because the adults in my family preferred not to and left my mother and i alone in the task. so i was homebound in high school for my last two years for all of those reasons. so no, i didn’t go to homecoming. i didn’t go to prom. i was never asked out on a date because i missed so much school that i became more of a joke than a person. i had a couple of opportunities to date but my family sabotaged them.
and i wasn’t able to get a job, although i did do data entry as a volunteer job for one summer. that’s it. that’s all i’ve got. i’ve really got nothing else in that regard, aside from taking care of my mother and being her maid, servant, stenographer, personal assistant, and nurse. not that i mind, it’s been my life since i was little, but it’s all i do. i’m a caretaker. but i don’t know, i feel like that falls under the more abnormal life experiences that i have. it’s helped me to become a nurturing person but i don’t know. it’s all complicated and, tbh, fucked up.
i just really want to break out of my shell and be more independent. i have said this numerous times. i want to gain experience, i want to feel like i am my age, nearly 28 years old with little to show for it. i don’t know. maybe i’m just whiny. maybe it’s normal for my generation.
i feel like… if i want to start dating, which i do, i will run into this problem of meeting people my age who want to settle down and start a family. which i don’t want yet. and if i go for someone younger, they’re likely not going to want an older woman with no experience lmao so. i don’t know i don’t think i can really win? maybe i’m just putting it in too stark of terms, not everyone is the same, not everyone wants marriage and family. and maybe i’d want that in a few years but i don’t know yet. i just know that i want to feel like an experienced, independent 28-year-old woman and right now i really don’t.
So I’m thinking, I really dislike my life. I’m not happy with where I’m at. The house is a wreck. I can’t drive. I’m not in school. I can’t work. I have no energy to do anything ever. My emotions are pretty much turned off for the time being. Yeah.
I’m just not happy. And I figure, okay, well, what can I do to change my circumstances? Try my best to clean the house. Little by little. I’ll make a list. A functional analysis, if you will, of all the things I have to do but broken into small, do-able tasks. But then I do that and get overwhelmed. So.
I can take small steps to learn to drive. Explore the car. Sit in the driver’s seat with the car turned off. Feel it out. I can do that without panicking. But as soon as the car turns on I’m like oh shit. I’ve really got to work on this. But seeing as my mom is the one who needs to teach me, it’s all kind of in the air and dependent upon her health how often we can practice and whatnot. So. I’m kinda stuck. Plus the car is still new and she needs to familiarize herself with it more, too. But it’s been too hot out to go anywhere, really. Or to practice. And the parking lot down the street is a fucking madhouse so it’s like, how am I supposed to learn there when there are cars coming in at every direction, people walking in and out of stores at the shopping center, etc. I don’t know. It’s all overwhelming.
I could just… do anything. I could study Japanese. I could play a video game. I could do anything I want to do. But I just sit here doing nothing all day because I have no energy an then feel guilty using what little energy I have to do something fun instead of doing something productive. So.
It’s all a mess. An overwhelming, guilt-ridden mess. I don’t know how to fix this.
I can’t do anything about school until January. Don’t even know if I’ll get my letters of rec because it’s too early to ask. Ah.
SO I DON’T KNOW.
I’m just stuck right now is what I’m saying. I can’t do much to change my situation and life circumstances. Not right now anyway.
I just feel like a loser lmao I’m going to be 28 next month but I’m just… stuck like this. No job. No freedom. No independence. No school. No significant other. No energy. No nothing. Ugh.
I guess I’ll just try to work on not getting overwhelmed and just try to push through the lack of energy to get things done. I guess that’s where I start.
I officially graduated college yesterday. Felt weird. I was awkward as fuck, kept saying congratulations back to people congratulating me instead of thank you, didn’t know where to look when they took my picture on stage, no one really clapped or cheered for me, i had to make arrangements to wait at the bottom of the stairs for my spot in line because at rehearsal i caused a big gap in the line because I can’t go down stairs fast. It made me anxious the whole day before graduation lmao but luckily arrangements were made and I didn’t have to worry about it. I knew the girls I sat with, also from the psych department, so that made it easier to be like hey save my spot for me. So it wasn’t too bad. I just feel stupid for being an awkward turtle but I guess it’s endearing lmao I was just nervous and I’m used to saying pleasantries back to people so I just sfsdjfj
ME: ….. WALKS AWAY
Yeah. That happened.
But anyway. Some guy talked to me because he was like ‘do u need company waiting down here by urself’ and I was like uhhhhhh I mean he was cute but I apparently didn’t recognize that I knew him lmao I still don’t remember his name, but he was in my poetry class and told me he loved my poetry and still thinks about it and that it has a song-like quality and that I’m really talented. SO. That made me feel happy but also weird lmao like did you save my poetry or something ksdjfksdj But it was nice, I was grateful to hear that my poetry made an impact on someone. I don’t write much anymore, that class kind of drained me, but I am proud of a lot of what I wrote for that class so it was nice to hear someone appreciated it.
But in any event, the ceremony was nice. It was shorter than expected but I have a tiny school so there were only like a couple hundred graduates. I was proud to see some kids graduate because I remember when they were freshmen lol I’m class of 2017 but since I didn’t walk last year and I graduated a semester late I’m officially class of 2018 but that’s okay. I didn’t get to see everyone else I went through hell with graduate but I got to see kids I helped to mentor graduate so it was nice. All in all it’s kind of a blur, I didn’t really want to go, honestly, I only did it because my mom was excited about it and kept saying I’d regret it but skdfjdsk I don’ think I would have lmao but hey I went. I did it.
It’s just a weird feeling of finality, though. Like I won’t be going back now. I saw my mentor, though, she grabbed my arm and was like BRITTANY when I saw her lol So I guess she loves me. She didn’t do that for anyone else and the girl behind me was like wow u must be important. Lmao. So that was a nice feeling, too. But I guess I will miss college. I already miss the routine, the structure, the sense of purpose. I miss the psych lounge. I miss a lot of memories. But it’s all in the past now and despite how some things have turned out, how sour some things became, I’ve got the memories from when they were good. Because things were once very good.
This song sums up my feelings about college, though. Makes me nostalgic and sad.
But it is what it is. Stuff ends, other stuff begins. You move on.
And for me, it looks like I’ve got another door to go through with grad school. I found another university that everyone says is good, they have a good counseling psych master’s program and they’re located close enough to where I won’t have to move far. So I’m seriously considering it. I could get my master’s in counseling psych, get licensed, be a counselor for a few years, and then try for my PhD again when I have more experience under my belt and better letters of recommendation, hopefully, and just more confidence overall. And hopefully better off in a health way, although I don’t count on that. But we’ll see. I want to be a clinical psychologist quite terribly, but I need to be realistic, I guess. And I will try my best to go through all of these decision-making processes as carefully as possible.
I’m restless and bored lately, and lacking energy to do anything, but I’m gonna look into volunteering somewhere and stuff. But we have to figure out our car situation because ours is not in great shape lmao it wasn’t to begin with but we can’t afford to fix everything that’s wrong with it. If we could, it’d be fine, but alas. So that’s a problem that needs fixed asap. I can’t really do anything until we get a new car or get ours fixed somehow lmao both require money we don’t have.
So it’s just, yeah, it’s a weird place I’m in right now. Hopefully soon stuff will start falling together in the right way and I’ll stop feeling useless lmao
Filed under: school