Filed under: new year reflections
Filed under: letters
SO. THIS TRAILER RIGHT HERE. IT BROKE ME.
Just. The first half made me all happy and shit but the second half??????????? UM. SOMEONE HELP.
No but like I cried. I legitimately cried. I’m just so overcome with emotion that I can’t deal lmao
Can we just talk about Lea and Kairi being bros and then him going ‘who are you?’ to what appears to be Xion holding her keyblade against him and then doNALD DUCK COLLAPSING IN BATTLE I’M SO SAD and then Kairi being swept away and riKU FIGHTING RIKU REPLICA AND THEN THE WAY HE PROTECTS SORA AND SORA’S SCREAM I CAN’T!!!! HANDLE IT!!!!!!!
I don’t know man, I know it’s probably silly but you have to understand, I have been playing Kingdom Hearts since it came out when I was 12 years old. I have been waiting longer than I was even alive when it came out for KH3 to happen. And now in one month, it’s happening. I can’t even believe. It’s almost here, for real, no delays, nothing. It’s completed and ready for us to play when it’s time. It makes me cry because this series feels like home to me. It really does. It is home. It’s what comforts me when I’m at my lowest. I just really love this series with all my heart and it will always have a very special place in my heart. I hope that one day, if I decide to have children, that I can share this with them and that they’ll feel the same way about it as I do. I don’t expect that, of course, but it would be so nice if it did mean something to them.
But anyway, KH3 will be a fun game, full of emotions and heartache, I’m sure lol I’m ready to play it and cry and feel things. I just wonder if there will be other Disney worlds they haven’t revealed yet. I’m excited to find out if we get more, but if not, I’m pretty content with the selection we have. Would’ve loved to see Nightmare Before Christmas again but there’s not much more story to draw from it so I’m not holding my breath lol
I just… left this for a bit to go read some old things for I don’t know what reason. So, I think I’ll write another entry later about that. But for now, just know that Kingdom Hearts is my world and when KH3 comes out, I will be in a big comfy KH3 hole until I finish it lol it’s gonna be so fun!!!!
Filed under: video games
Man. I don’t know what’s happening but I felt hypomanic and then I crashed in energy but my mind is still running super fast.
I just feel like, I need to work on a lot of things. It’s overwhelming how many things about myself I don’t like, but what if instead of changing everything about myself I just… learn to accept it. Learn to accept that I’m a bit awkward with strangers. To accept that I look a bit younger, that I’m not good with public speaking, that I’m a bit behind in life. Instead, I gotta learn to just embrace some things and look at the positives about myself. I may be awkward, quiet, and tongue-tied at first but once I get comfortable I can get really deep and I’m even funny sometimes. And I’m a good listener, I’m good at empathizing and understanding other people. That’s why I’m aiming to become a therapist. I don’t know what else to do or how else to be, other than deeply compassionate, listening to people, validating them, empathizing. I’m good at it. I’m also a great writer. I’ve been having fun writing out really ridiculous romance scenarios to amuse myself, and they’re not half bad. My academic writing is also something to brag about, I’m just really proud of my writing skills. Some people are better, yes, and I have a lot to learn still but I have raw, natural talent and if I work on honing it a bit more I can be even better. I’m really good with written word, and maybe it would be an idea to consider doing counseling work online or working for a crisis text hotline at some point. I don’t know. I just now thought of that, so it’s a very green idea but it’s something that maybe I can consider sometime.
But anyway, my looks are a big source of my self esteem issues, too. But. I mean, I like this picture.
Black and white but lmao hey it’s still good.
I look young but most people seem to think I’m 22. Wish I was 22. But I guess it’s not a bad thing to look younger, at least when I’m older I’ll still look young, I guess? I just wish people would take me more seriously, though. But I digress. I need to have confidence in myself, and I mean no, looks aren’t everything, but it helps to like how you look. And I do need to work on that much, just accepting myself. I mean, I’ve got a cute face, nice tits, nice legs, cute ass, I’ve got it. I just want to work on liking myself, inside and out, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all.
As for being behind in life, I can’t… do much about that, but try to catch up at my own pace. I will go to grad school. I will get my own place. I will learn to drive. I will meet someone to at least fuck, I mean, there’s got to be someone out there I can trust enough to get close to that way. It’s not as important as obtaining the freedom and independence that I crave, but it’s on my list, yeah. I’m not looking for a “man to take care of me” I’m looking for someone, anyone, that I can trust and love who will trust and love me back. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask for.
I just. I guess what I want to work on is having confidence. Rather than trying to change every little thing about myself, just… accept my flaws and do my best to do better when I can.
I’m trying my best now to be an adult, make my phone calls, go to my doctor’s appointments, go to physical therapy, it’s tough. But I’m doing the best I can and that’s what’s important. It’s the end of the year so I feel the desire to be lazy and I think I can get away with it. Nothing much to do but rot until the first of the year and then really grind and get my shit together. Get grad school stuff finished, look for apartments, possibly a roommate, work on getting rid of shit, etc. 2019 will be a long year, and even if I don’t get into grad school, I’m still going to work on moving and I will try again. But hopefully, things will work out and I can accomplish shit in 2019. That’s all I want.
My brain for the past two weeks:
Lmao not specifically this mashup but these two songs have been on loop since Simon Says came out and I can’t believe someone mashed them up like they were reading my mind.
But like this mashup has actually been on my mind too and I feeeeeeeeeeeeel like I need all three songs mashed together just so I can Die in peace
Goddddddddd pop/stars is just such a good song man i cannot
I’ve been losing my mind quite literally. I’m very tired. I’m very sad. I’m very ready for death. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel an overwhelming sense of…. failure. Lmao.
I just want to get into grad school. I’m afraid that I won’t. I’m afraid I’ll bomb the phone interview and lose my chance. I’m afraid I just won’t be good enough. I’m afraid I won’t even be able to afford it. I’m afraid I won’t even have a place to live. I don’t know, there’s so much in this basket that it’s overflowing and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
But I’m trying to have faith. I’m trying really hard to have hope. I just feel so useless, being 28 and still living at home, not being able to even do much around the house, trying to take care of my mom and not doing a very good job at it, not being able to get a real job to support us and find a way to move out to go to school, I’m just. I’m very worried and I feel like a failure. Everyone else my age is either married or has a good job or travels the world or is at least somewhat self sufficient. I’m not. And I just feel like I’m failing at life because I don’t do anything but minimal housework, physical therapy on a good day, grocery shopping, go to doctor’s appointments, and look at Jaehyun and fuck around on Twitter and Tumblr.
I am too old for all of this. I feel stunted. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and i don’t feel like I have any control over it. I’m tired.
And I still have to write about my trip to LA because at least that made me feel like an independent adult. God.
I don’t know, I’m trying to have faith that my life will work itself out into something that I’m content with. I’m trying really hard.
I need to change the layout, too, but for now I’m just using another old one because Photoshop just sucks on this computer and I can’t get a layout that I really like at the right size. For some reason, every one I make comes out too small or looks all stretched out and ugly. I don’t like that at all lmao so I have to work something out I guess. Not that anyone cares, no one reads this blog and the domain runs out soon so I gotta shell out $30 to do that and ughasldjfdfdfkasdfkjs
EDIT // Ended up throwing a layout together because this song inspired me. It’sk ind of shitty but I like it anyway. I just wish it didn’t fucking stretch out???????????? What the fuck why does that happen is it just my computer lmao??????????? I DON’T KNOW WHY THAT HAPPENS IT LOOKED FINE IN PHOTOSHOP AND WHEN I CODED IT I’M SO MAD
my life has been… really imbalanced. on one hand, i’ve had a lot of traumatic life experiences. i have very poor physical and mental health, and i have for as long as i can remember. and i feel that that’s a huge part of what’s held me back, why i lack a lot of more “normal” life experience. i’ve never been out on a date, never had a real relationship, never had sex, never had a job because of my health, i still live at home with my mom at 28, it’s all just… really depressing.
but that lack of experience is due, in large part, to my poor health and the trauma of having to drop everything to take care of my sick and very abusive grandmother, because the adults in my family preferred not to and left my mother and i alone in the task. so i was homebound in high school for my last two years for all of those reasons. so no, i didn’t go to homecoming. i didn’t go to prom. i was never asked out on a date because i missed so much school that i became more of a joke than a person. i had a couple of opportunities to date but my family sabotaged them.
and i wasn’t able to get a job, although i did do data entry as a volunteer job for one summer. that’s it. that’s all i’ve got. i’ve really got nothing else in that regard, aside from taking care of my mother and being her maid, servant, stenographer, personal assistant, and nurse. not that i mind, it’s been my life since i was little, but it’s all i do. i’m a caretaker. but i don’t know, i feel like that falls under the more abnormal life experiences that i have. it’s helped me to become a nurturing person but i don’t know. it’s all complicated and, tbh, fucked up.
i just really want to break out of my shell and be more independent. i have said this numerous times. i want to gain experience, i want to feel like i am my age, nearly 28 years old with little to show for it. i don’t know. maybe i’m just whiny. maybe it’s normal for my generation.
i feel like… if i want to start dating, which i do, i will run into this problem of meeting people my age who want to settle down and start a family. which i don’t want yet. and if i go for someone younger, they’re likely not going to want an older woman with no experience lmao so. i don’t know i don’t think i can really win? maybe i’m just putting it in too stark of terms, not everyone is the same, not everyone wants marriage and family. and maybe i’d want that in a few years but i don’t know yet. i just know that i want to feel like an experienced, independent 28-year-old woman and right now i really don’t.